My friends, I am about to present you with video of a man getting kicked in the dick and balls by another man in cleats, and then the excruciating pain to follow, and then the injured man waving for assistance. But it’s what happens in the final split second of this video that will surely chill you to your very bones.
That is Albacete defender Mariano Bíttolo pulling on the elastic of his shorts in order to inspect his giblets for structural integrity. And I need to tell you, here, that what he saw when he looked in there was a wound to his hog that would eventually require ten stitches to close. Surely looking at Cthulhu itself could not be so damaging to a man’s psyche.