Does America have World Cup fever? Or does the liberal media just want America to contract this deadly plague, because—like socialized medicine and soft cheeses—it's a silent killer that weakens our nation from within?
Fear not, though, Patriots. Matthew Philbin, of conservative watchdog website Newbusters.org ("We Bust News!"), is on to the schemes of leftist haters who want nothing more than to pansify the United States with the friendly, low-scoring games beloved by Communists and brown people. He is correct that every four years commentators try to convince this country that soccer is poised to take over the sports landscape—despite there being very little evidence to support this claim. But is it merely the work of desperate journalists hungry for a topical trend piece? Or is it something more nefarious?
Like a socialist agenda that demands our president bow down before illegal immigrants and sell our monuments to the Chinese?
The liberal media have always been uncomfortable with "American exceptionalism" - the belief that the United States is unique among nations, a leader and a force for good. And they are no happier with America's rejection of soccer than with its rejection of socialism.
In Philbin's view, "American exceptionalism" means that America is the only country on Earth exceptional enough to recognize that soccer is awful. Liberals, unfortunately, hate being exceptional. Being awesome all the time makes them uncomfortable, so it's important to them that Americans learn to love soccer so that we'll be just like everyone else: i.e., Mexican.
Part of the liberal sales pitch for soccer is its popularity with Hispanics. Liberals who fetishize race are eager to adopt a sport with a special appeal for a certain minority, and it would never occur to them that new arrivals to the country might be well served adapting to traditional U.S. pastimes. To the left, it's America that must change.
Conservatives have long opposed this red card menace so Philbin goes on to quote some real "Hand of God"-fearing American heroes who agree that soccer is basically a metaphor for everything that's terrible about Europe. It's no wonder those assholes take so many vacations.
"No game in which actually scoring goals is of such little importance could possibly occupy the attention of average Americans. Our country has yet to succumb to the nihilism, existentialism, and anomie that have overtaken Europe."
"More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score."
In the end though, it comes down to a basic principle of human evolution—ties turn our children into pussies.
Soccer requires comparatively little from children but the ability to run after the ball - the risk of failure for anyone except maybe the goal keeper is zero. Even the strong chance that any given game will end in a tie makes it attractive for parents reluctant to impart life's difficult lessons to young kids.
Look, if the Founding Fathers had believed in draws we never would taken all that land from the Indians. Land that makes for excellent soccer fields, by the way. So put that in your vuvuzela and blow.