OK, so here's the situation:
There's a guy in Raleigh whose fantasy football team absolutely sucks. He drafted like a chump, and now every single week, he has to toss out, among other scrubs, Fred Jackson. And that's fine. You're not going to win a fantasy league with Fred Jackson, but you might steal a game here and there throughout the season.
The only problem is that this week, he's playing his neighbor. His neighbor's team is stacked to the roof. He's rolling out Aaron Rodgers, Beast Mode, Knowshon Moreno, Victor Cruz, Jordy Nelson, AJ Green, and someone named Cameron Jordan. No word on how he got all these specimens on his squad while our boy's drafting Buffalo Bills not named CJ Spiller, but whatever. He's fucked.
Thing is, Raleigh Guy and his neighbor seem close. So close, in fact, that Raleigh Guy, on a business trip to DC, felt compelled to ask his neighbor if he wanted anything from IKEA when he swings by on the way back south. So close, in fact that, his neighbor said yes, and asked for some picture ledges, since they're expecting a child.
It's make or break time in fantasy football, though, and Raleigh Guy knows he doesn't have the players to beat his neighbor. So he decided to hold the shelves hostage. He's currently got them listed on Craigslist, and the only way he's taking the picture ledges off is if his neighbor benches his starting running backs. Here's the ad showing he's not playing games. It's awesome:
I recently drove to Washington, DC for a work-related trip. Before going on my trip, I told my neighbor I was stopping at IKEA in Woodbridge, VA to purchase some furniture. Since he and his wife are expecting their first child in January, I asked if they wanted me to pick up anything for them. Sure enough, they asked me to purchase four picture ledges.
After bringing home the IKEA loot, I realized that I'm playing my picture-ledge-loving neighbor in fantasy football this week. I looked at our Week 8 matchup and noticed that he's going to FUCKING DESTROY ME.
This ass jacket is starting Aaron Rodgers, Marshawn Lynch, Knowshon Moreno, Victor Cruz, AJ Green, Jordy Nelson, and Cameron Jordan. Meanwhile, I'm countering with a bunch of waiver wire garbage (i.e., new running back for the winless Bucs), one half of a running back by committee (i.e., Fred "Fucking" Jackson), and a wide receiver who's one sniff of glue away from being suspended for the year (i.e., Josh "I Wish They Would Legalize Pot In Ohio" Gordon).
So what does this have to do with picture ledges from IKEA? Well, I decided to hold them ransom from my neighbor unless he agrees to bench Lynch and Moreno and replace them with Darren McFadden and Bryce Brown. If he doesn't fulfill my request, I will sell the stupid-ass picture ledges to someone else in the Raleigh-Durham area.
OK, here's the salesy bullshit about the picture ledges. They're white. They're 21 3/4" long. The depth is 3 1/2". There are photos of them on this page. And I have four of them.
They cost me $9.99 each. I will sell them to any prospective buyers for $7.00 each. But the price for my neighbor has been doubled to $18.98 UNLESS HE AGREES TO MY DEMANDS.
Send me a fuckin' email if you're interested.
Photo Credit: Getty