I’m going to talk about Steph Curry in a negative light for the next 400 to 600 words, so all you super fans should just hop off now, or steal your backbone because the truth bombs are about to start flying like I got shot in the ass twice and am on a shitload of painkillers. The greatest shooter in the history of basketball has a glaring hole in his resumé. It’s not his defense or his durability — it’s his choice of shoe sponsor.
Curry inked what looks to be a lifetime deal with the Washington D.C.-based sports apparel company Thursday, and will take over as president of UA’s Curry Brand department. This is like getting promoted to CEO of Payless Shoes, or Skechers giving you the keys to the slip-on kingdom.
The move was clearly made with the intent of turning the Curry Brand into some sort of knockoff Jordan Brand, and that’s about as delusional as me thinking the Curry golf spikes are going to lower my handicap below 25. Nothing is ever going to fix my accuracy off the tee just like Under Armor is never going to give the public redeemable athleisure wear.
Curry can lift up a team, a league, but not Under Armor
The four-time NBA champion, league, and finals MVP has officially let down the sneaker freaks who dared to ask: What if Steph had a shoe that was as transcendent as his game?
We’ll never know now as Curry is staying with the company — that gave us (and him) the Dad Shoe — for the foreseeable future. The partnership put the same amount of time into Steph’s most recent logo as it takes for him to launch a 30-footer, and the fact that Curry is on insignia No. 2 tells you all you need to know about the marketability of Under Armor.
I own one article of UA clothing — a gray zip-up hoodie — and it’s enough for me to consider it a lifetime supply. It’s as unassuming as you’d think a gray hoodie would be, and yet I still hate it. The elastic on the waist somehow got creased horizontally, and I’m pretty it’ll take an iron to fix it.
Personal blights aside, if you want physical proof that Under Armor has been outfitting the most exciting player in basketball with clown shoes for about a decade, just take a look at his sneaker-ography. I’m not sure what sport they’re supposed to be designed for. I could be talked into boxing, running, or leisurely strolls with your cocker spaniel. Anything but basketball.
How many ugly-ass novelty Maryland uniforms must we be subjected to before the fashion industry collectively cancels Under Armor? Shit, the only way we’re going to get a respectable Curry shoe is if the brand signs Ye as its next designer, spontaneously combusts, or goes bankrupt. Gimme option A, B, C, or all of the above. Just don’t give me a pair of Currys.