Stop Filming Your Kids Crying Over Sports

Illustration for article titled Stop Filming Your Kids Crying Over Sports

Here's a little girl in tears over Ichiro Suzuki being traded away from the Seattle Mariners. We've been sent this video a few times, and we'll take the chance to address this now, rather than respond to each individually: We don't care about your or anyone else's little kids crying over sports.


It's supposed to be cute. Little Hannah or whatever is supposed to be devastated that her favorite baseball player is leaving, which happens all the time in professional sports, but she doesn't understand because she's six years old, and isn't that adorable? I'm sure you think it is, in that way that parents think every little thing their precious does is magical, but save it for your co-workers who have to at least humor your nonstop prattling about your little sunshine. I don't know you, so fuck your toddler.

Maybe once upon a time, a billion years ago, there was something unique about a kid crying over something trivial. Then it somehow went and became a daily occurrence. Here's a boy crying over the Kevin Youkilis trade. Here's a girl in tears over Gerald Wallace leaving Portland. Here's one for Hunter Pence. And Tim Tebow. And Michael Young. And Brent Lillibridge. And Steve Nash. And Scoop Jardine. It's only a matter of time before we some shithead parents upload a video of their blubbering mess of a four-year-old distraught over the Yankees designating Dewayne Wise for assignment.

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Kid cries over a 49ers loss. Kid cries over a Vikings loss. Kid cries over a Bears loss. BYU loss, Jets loss, Heat loss, Chargers loss, Flyers loss, Patriots loss, Mavs loss, Colts loss.

What's worse than the fact that these videos are increasingly unoriginal (Here's a crying UNC child from 2006. We've been doing this since 2006! That kid's practically old enough to smoke.) is that most of them are staged. Watch the Ichiro video again. Mom asks, "Why did the Yankees want Ichiro?...Remember?" She's prompting the girl! The girl recites the line she was obviously fed before the camera came on. I hope this family doesn't get one dollar from their fucking Youtube Adsense account.

We get it. Children are stupid and emotional. But your kid doesn't care about sports beyond you caring about sports. You act all fake-upset over a player leaving, or a big loss, and tell your kid it's something to be sad over, and they're going to cry. That's how kids are wired. These aren't some once-in-a-lifetime moments you just happened to capture on film. This is parents pushing their children's underdeveloped emotional buttons for the sake of a laugh, and maybe a bite on the local news. The kids can't help themselves. It's the parents, the ones who goad their kids into bawling for the sake of a video specifically designed to go viral, they're the real assholes. You want your kid to cry? Hit them, it's a lot easier. You want your kid to be briefly internet famous? Teach them some actual talent beyond being a stupid baby.