Well, that was fast. Let's do another quarter, just like the other one. The score is Giants 3, Patriots 0, and I'll go out on a limb that because the game isn't being played in the 1940s, the lead and score won't hold.
(Getty Images Photo)
0:00 — 'n that's all she wrote for the half. Quite a lack of scoring, I'd say, but it's still been exciting, because we've seen the Patriots offense be six varieties of inconsistent.
0:05 — N'yawk gets one last really-really-long pass to see if they can score six.
0:15 — FUMBLEFUMLEFBLRMFLIDKMYBFFJILL (Giants recover)
0:22 — Randy Moss waltzes into the Giants side of the field, with the ball in his loving arms. First down.
0:28 — Brady swings it forward to Kevin Faulk, and they get another first down, but with less than a half-minute to go, they still have more than half the field to advance, or at least 30 more yards for a field goal.
0:59 — Timeout, New England. And I finally caught a glimpse of Bill Belichick. Nice to see him breaking out the Patriots alternate soccer jersey uniform for such an occasion. Why isn't the name of a cell phone company plastered on the abdomen?
1:26 — New England's drive deep in Bahhhston territory begins shaky, but Brady found Stallworth for a long 3rd down conversion. Doesn't look like the Giants will get the ball back this half.
Doritos — Man in an animal suit. Half-assing the animal motif.
Pepsi — Groin injuries to Justin Timberlake. Second-for-second, best block of commercials so far.
T-Mobile — It's nice to see some closure on the national nightmare of Dwyane Wade getting inside Charles Barkley's five. The other four numbers, by the way, are all for pizza.
Planters — My ex-girlfriend didn't look like that, but she did smell like peanuts, which is why it didn't work out. Wait .. not peanuts. Penis. I get those confused.
1:54 — And now they have to punt. Two-minute warning.
2:21 — If you wanted to know what the opposite of antiquing is, it was what ever Adalius Thomas did to Eli Manning. The ball was dropped, and the Giants recovered but they blatantly pushed the ball forward, resulting in a penalty. Still, they kept the ball, but it set up 3rd and 18.
Now let's meet ... THE GIANTS OFFENSIVE LINE
Name/Position: David Diehl, Left Tackle
Ht./Wt.: 6'5", 276 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: When David's parents decided to have him, they actually said "Let's make a Diehl." This meant that Mr. Diehl, during the act of procreation, was not able to pick Door #2.
Name/Position: Rich Seubert, Left Guard
College: Western Illinois
Ht./Wt.: 6'3", 310 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: You might remember Seubert as the guy who tried to catch the pass on the botched field goal in 2002 when the Giants played the 49ers in the NFC playoffs, but was dragged down by Chike Okeafor and no pass interference was called. What you didn't know was that Seubert was carrying an hors d'oeuvres platter, so he was in no position to catch the ball in the first place.
Name/Position: Shaun O'Hara, Center
Ht./Wt.: 6'3", 303 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: O'Hara almost got into criminal trouble when allegations surfaced that he was the mastermind behind a boar fighting ring, but no charges were filed once federal investigators discovered O'Hara didn't use live boars, but rather boar statues, and banged them together with his own hands, making sound effects as his friends wagered bets.
Name/Position: Chris Snee, Right Guard
College: Boston College
Ht./Wt.: 6'3", 217 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Snee happens to be married to Tom Coughlin's daughter Katie and have a child together. Even though the baby was born on the expected date, Tom Coughlin docked the newborn baby a day's pay.
Name/Position: Kareem McKenzie, Right Tackle
College: Penn State
Ht./Wt.: 6'6", 327 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: McKenzie suffered a drought in his career when he was all about John Lennon's song "Give Peace A Chance," and rather than block linemen with his hands, he would first attempt to negotiate with blitzers.
5:53 — Ahmad Bradshaw performs the heftiest run so far — 13 yards and a first down.
Bud Light — It's everyone's favorite comedian! I wonder what we should rate this one... hmm... does anybody know?
(I really wasn't sure I'd even use this one.)
7:11 — After one really painful sack, Brady suffers another painful sack. Chris Kaman would know a thing or two about those. There goes the punt.
Life Water — I have had it with these goddamn animals. The one Super Bowl there's no team animal mascot, and they overcompensate with every other commercial featuring critters.
CareerBuilder.com — For a second there when the girl's heart jumped out of her sweater, I thought it was an ad for breast implants.
8:35 — Giants punt, because they ran out of downs.
9:19 — FUMBLEFUMBLEFUMBNLYMBLFNUMLFF++++++++NO CARRIER+++++++ (Giants keep possession)
Garmin — If a GPS is good enough for Napoleon, that must mean it's Waterlooproof.
Movie: Leatherheads — Normally a movie with George Clooney in it is my sign that I'll eventually see it on video.
Some Really Quiet Car — Ill-tempered badgers are normally the key to my heart, but the animal overkill has finally reached its nexus.
10:43 — Laurence Maroney gets brickwalled by Osi Umenyiora, and a punt ensues. The Giants survive the interception.
Budweiser — A Rocky spoof featuring a horse and dalmatian. D'awwwwww. But how does the horse match up against a ferocious carrier pigeon?
11:56 — Thats not what happened at all. (The field goal.) Manning's pass to Steve Smith gets bobbled and falls right into Ellis Hobbs' gullet. We're goin' backwards.
13:27 — The Giants are in field goal range again. I say that because, well, that's probably what will happen.
Wow. Too many commercials in a row right there. But I did check out the GoDaddy commercial. I agree. Danica Patrick's beaver is out of sight.
Tide stick of detergent or something — The role of the annoying stain was played by Tom Arnold.
Cars.com — That one was all right, but it had to follow the FedEx one. Tough break.
FedEx — Carrier pigeons play well in the Sussman residence. Extremely huge carrier pigeons taking over the world? Winner.
Go Daddy — I have a feeling I wont' be able to see Danica Patrick's tits. But just to be safe...
G2 — Derek Jeter drinks it. I don't know if it tastes like animal dung, but that's reason enough.
Movie: Wanted — Much like the Bridgestone commercial, the guy totally missed Angelina Jolie.
14:57 — And Maroney takes the handoff, extends his pinky finger, and he's across the goal line.
Doritos — They're already getting to the point where they're just doing regular old commercials. They're not even worth rating, really.
Bridgestone Tires — Animals always play well on camera. But the car completely missed the squirrel. And they had time. They could have done another take.