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Kurt Warner, The Great Unknowable Freak Of The NFL
Explaining their aversion to the epic, ridiculous Cardinals-Packers game Sunday, Free Darko wrote: "Warner scores don't move me. I know what he's thinking." I do not understand this. I have no idea what Warner's ever thinking. It scares me....

You're An Enormous Nerd, Charlie Brown
Some brilliant soul has calculated Charlie Brown's pitching statistics based on comic strips from the 1950s (record: 1-25) and 1960s (7-85). Stats from the 1970s are not included due to Charlie Brown's heavy use of amphetamines. [Wezen-Ball.com, via GQ]...

Even Some NFL Players Never Get Over High School
Second-round subplot that also makes convenient mid-week playoff filler: Jets wideout Jerricho Cotchery seeks to avenge himself upon Chargers QB (and former college teammate) Phillip Rivers over a high school playoff defeat. HOW DOES HE SLEEP?! [NYPost, via SSF]...

Last Night's Winner: Impressionable Student-Athletes
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like all the current and prospective college athletes who should finally be disabused of any illusions about the promises their coaches don't plan to keep....

Natalie Gulbis Would Make A Horrible Tour Guide
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day....

Jose Canseco Still Wants People To Hear The TRUTH, Dammit
Wasn't it just a short time ago that Jose Canseco said he regretted naming names in "Juiced" and wanted to personally apologize to those he outed? October, 2008, to be exact. However, now that Big Mac's talking, Jose's angry again....

A Modern List Of People Who Eat People
Yes, we all know about Jeffrey Dahmer's voracious appetite for wayward boy meat, but there were plenty of others who partook. 1974 Uruguayan rugby team not included. [Mental Floss]...

Everybody Loves Kurt Warner...Except One Former California Pizza Kitchen Employee
Kurt Warner just can't stop winning over NFL fans with his sage quarterbacking and stock boy humbleness, so even if he doesn't make it to Canton we can all agree he's an exceptional human being, right? Behold a dissenter....

UT FANS NOW ATTACKING DEFENSELESS ROCK (BURNING MATTRESS UPDATE)
That's the famed UT Rock, marked up with the first batch of heartfelt farewell messages from a grateful student body to Lane Kiffin. Some students also raided Kiffin's press conference to his players. Plus, another defiled rock photo below....

Layla Kiffin Will Become New Head Coach's Wife At USC
Unreal. After all his distracting, rule-bending bravado in one year at Tennessee, Lane Kiffin has, according to multiple outlets, signed on to replace Pete Carroll at USC. In addition to his wife, Kiffin's also bringing dad to Southern Cal....

Seahawks CEO Gets Uppity About Rooney Rule Violation Allegations
It turns out Tod Leiweke did look beyond the American Eagle model coaching circuit when trying to fill their coaching/GM vacancies. Leiweke said he called Tony Dungy first about the president's job even before he had playtime with Leslie Frazier....

According To This Man's Pus-Filled Foot, The Vikings Are The New Team Of Destiny
Just look at this man's foot. A reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, noticed the throbbing blister resembled the Vikings' helmet horn, thus guaranteeing victory. Or possible amputation due to diabetes, but let's stay positive....

UFC Fight Night 20: Suburban Hell, Blood Loogies, And The Glorious Return Of The Hipster Warrior
The UFC slunk into the Patriot Center in Fairfax last night. Fairfax isn't so much a town as a county. To be more specific, it's a naturally occurring asbestos pit home to spies, Civil War fanatics and lax-obsessed Caucasian moneylovers....

Vancouver Canuck Thinks Referee Targeted Him (Because Ref Told Him He Would)
The (alleged) vengance stems from an incident in December when Burrows was hit by Nashville's Jerred Smithson. Auger gave Smithson a five-minute major and a game misconduct, which was later rescinded because it appeared that Burrows embellished the hit. (He didn't miss a shift that game.) Since his ...

Go For The Thighs. Your Open Mailbag Tuesday
Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering skyjerking, thighs, world capitals, cereal, tacos and more....

Today in TMZish Sports: J.J. Redick, Rachel Glandorf, Olivia Namath, Wes Welker, And The Almighty Beaver
These are some of the things that are happening in the nether regions of the sports gossip world. This news is not breaking. It is not exclusive. There are no exclamation points. We did not pay for these photos....

Texas Writer Eats Crow, Spits It In Alabama's Face
Even after his Longhorns' crushing defeat in the BCS title game, Austin's John Kelso still can't resist taking a few more (half-hearted) digs at the state of Alabama. They do make it really, really easy. [Earlier]...

Knicks Fall To Yet Another Opponent: Ghosts
The Knicks were crushed by Oklahoma City last night, but an opponent far more deadly than Kevin Durant was to blame. It seems the team had trouble resting up because their hotel was haunted....

"Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" Guy Dies On Sadly Appropriate Day Of The Week
Jan Gabriel, the motorsports announcer and demolition-derby promoter whose commercials gave us the immortal "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" phrase, died of kidney disease on Sunday. [chitownradio.com, jancgabriel.com]...