premier Page 49 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Yaya Touré Wants To Go Home Because Nobody Made Him A Birthday Cake
Apparently, Manchester City superstar and greatest midfielder currently doing it Yaya Touré is unhappy with his club. Why, you might wonder, when they just won the Premier League in exciting fashion, featuring him as their best player? Because the team didn't celebrate his birthday....
Man United Hire New Manager, Already Expect To Win Premier League
It's not even next season yet and we've already got the first lolunited post of the '14-'15 campaign. New Manchester United ship captain Louis van Gaal has officially been christened, and in lieu of smacking him across the head with a champagne bottle, they've promised him £150M, with an expectation...
Soccer Player Dies After Disgusting Tackle From Goalkeeper
A soccer player died of his injuries in the hospital after suffering a horrible tackle in a match....
Elderly Samuel Eto'o Bashes Mourinho, Plans To Play As <em>Actual</em> Old Man
Samuel Eto'o is in the Ivory Coast today in support of the Copa Coca Cola, an international youth tournament. In an interview before the event, he had some choice words for the "fool" José Mourinho and anyone else who wants to fuck with Hollywood Court....
Samir Nasri's Girlfriend Is Not Happy With France's World Cup Team
It's been a bit of an up and down week for French star Samir Nasri. On Sunday, his Manchester City team won the Premier League. Way up! But today, Nasri found out he was left off France's World Cup squad. Way down!...
The 2013-14 Premier League Season Was Well And Truly Fucking Awesome
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. There was pessimism, hope, and ultimately failure. There was schadenfreude; oh, was there schadenfreude. There were also huge games, mesmerizing goals, and more twists in the title race than a M. Night Shyamalan movie (but actually good). To cap o...
You'll Never Flop Alone: Sad Scenes From The Last Of Liverpool's Season
On Sunday, I watched the deflating end of Liverpool's season from various points along Anfield Road, not far from the team's stadium and headquarters. The result was the culmination of a slow-motion regression to an unhappy mean. Having entered the stretch run looking like a lock to win the Premiers...
Soccer-Loving Grandma Does Not Appreciate Her Grandkids' Prank
Some mischevious Man City supporters decided that it would be fun to trick their grandma into thinking that City had scored an early goal during its title-clinching game against West Ham yesterday. Granny did not appreciate their shenanigans....
This Great Yaya Touré Goal Is The Perfect Cap To The 2014 PL Season
Well, it's over. Manchester City played Aston Villa today in the Premier League, and whammed on them. Unless Manchester City lose to midtable West Ham next weekend, they'll be crowned Premier League champions. ...
Heartbreaking Draw Almost Certainly Ends Liverpool's Title Challenge
There is no God. Money does buy happiness. Might overcomes beauty every time. These are the harsh realities soccer fans must begrudgingly accept after Crystal Palace's shocking 88th minute equalizer gave Liverpool a draw—a result that all but mathematically kills their miraculous championship dream....
José Mourinho Is The Antichrist: A Closet Liverpool Fan's Lament
Of course Chelsea won. Of course. ...
Liverpool Would Have The Biggest Turnaround For A Champion In 29 Years
The race for the Premier League title got a lot closer this Sunday, as Liverpool fell to Chelsea and Manchester City topped Crystal Palace. With one fewer game played, City holds the goal differential tiebreak over Liverpool, and is currently a 4/5 favorite to win it all....
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Steven Gerrard Slips, Allows Demba Ba To Score Easy Goal
In stoppage time at the end of the first half of Chelsea-Liverpool, Steven Gerrard slipped on a nothing play and allowed Demba Ba to coast right in on goal, with only the keeper to beat. Ba scored and Chelsea have a 1-0 lead in a game that could decide the Premier League title. Naturally, we added ...
Manchester United Sacks Sad Sack David Moyes After Disastrous Campaign
It's official! Sad David Moyes has been fired by sad Manchester United, just one year into a six-year contract. While Moyes had avoided the ax a couple times this season, the sacking isn't at all surprising given a nightmarish campaign that has resulted in United's worst ever Premier League season a...
Typical José: Chelsea's Champions League Win Was Right On Schedule
José Mourinho's teams are some goddamn cockroaches, man. Just when you think you've got them squashed, their viscous innards seeping from their corrugated underbelly—as PSG could've justifiably believed, leading Chelsea 3-1 after the first leg of their Champions League tie—they somehow keep right on...
Twitter Users Mistaken For Soccer Whipping Boys Share A Moment
It's tough having a Twitter username that gets mistaken for a celebrity's by stupid people. Today on Twitter, three of them—not-David-Moyes, not-Robin-van-Persie, and not-André Villas-Boas—had a commiseration....
The End Of Arsenal's Premier League Title Hopes, On An Infinite Loop
Sky's still blue....
Here's Everton's Ross Barkley Dribbling 75 Yards And Scoring A Goal
So, Everton are playing Newcastle today, and midway through the first half, the Magpies took a corner kick that was cleared to Everton's young midfielder Ross Barkley. Then Barkley dribbled all the way down the right by himself, cut left inside the box through Newcastle defenders, and roofed a shot ...
Wayne Rooney Scores Goal From 50 Yards Away
Wayne Rooney opened the scoring for Manchester United today with a long-range bomb reminiscent of Luis Suarez's goal for Liverpool two years ago, a 50-yard volley that left NBC's announcers almost at a loss for words. We're sure Rooney's West Ham opponents had a few, though....