Gosh, you know who’s a nice kid? That Anthony Rizzo boy. His parents have always been so kind to us. He brought orange slices to the game yesterday, and shared with all his teammates. That’s so thoughtful of him.

You should hang out with Anthony more often. He’d be a good influence on you. Maybe you want to invite him to our house tomorrow instead of Kevin? You know how I feel about Kevin.

Contact the author at samer@deadspin.com.