The Already-Enormous Body Count: Today's Guide To Ignoring The NFL

Ah yes, Week 4—the first week of NFL byes and something like the quarter mark of the NFL regular season. Always a fine time to check in on player health around the league. After all, bye weeks are when teams get a week off to rest up and heal. How’s everyone doing?

Well, it’s not so hot. Are you sitting down? Kinda feels like you should sit down for this one.

To date, and excluding listed non-football injuries, NFL injury reports have listed 839 names headed into the season’s fourth Sunday. 839! The reports have grown every week, as you’d expect from as brutal a sport as professional football: 125 names in Week 1; 159 names in Week 2; 191 in Week 3; and a shocking 364 in Week 4. And the injured reserve list is already 202 names deep!

These are huge numbers. Here’s some fun perspective: in the entire 2015-16 NBA regular season, which included 1,230 games spread over about 25 weeks, 30 NBA teams used 528 total roster spots, according to Basketball Reference. That number is even bigger than the total number of players who held those roster spots, because some of those dudes were traded from team to team, and some guys, like Ryan Hollins, signed short-term contracts with multiple desperate teams over the course of the season.

You could make an entire NBA conference out of just the Week 4 NFL injury reports. And you’d have extra players to fill out a couple D-League teams, too.

Here’s some other good shit you can watch, if you’re interested:

Other Sports

Noon — NBC — Golf: 2016 Ryder Cup

Twelve singles matches on the final day at Hazeltine National Golf Club, in Chaska, Minnesota.

12:15 p.m. — beIN SPORTS Connect — La Liga Soccer: Espanyol vs. Villarreal

This should be an ass-kicking. Also, reminder: Connect is a streaming service.

12:30 p.m. — beIN SPORTS Español — La Liga Soccer: Málaga vs. Athletic Bilbao

Athletic are a mid-table side with a positive goal differential (for now), whereas Málaga are pretty awful.

1 p.m. — ESPN — MLS Soccer: Montreal Impact vs. Orlando City

Montreal are still gunning for a playoff spot, while Orlando have allowed the most goals in the Eastern Conference.

2:30 p.m. — beIN SPORTS Connect — Serie A Soccer: Roma vs. Inter Milan

These sides are separated by a point in the upper part of the Serie A table. This could be a fun one, if you’re up for streaming Italian soccer.

2:45 p.m. — beIN SPORTS — La Liga Soccer: Celta Vigo vs. Barcelona

It’ll be a bloodbath, but an attractive one.

3 p.m. — ESPN — WNBA Playoffs Semifinal: LA Sparks @ Chicago Sky

The Sparks have a 2-0 lead in this best-of-five series.

3 p.m. — TBS — Baseball: Blue Jays @ Red Sox

David Ortiz takes the field for his final regular season game. The Blue Jays are holding onto the final Wild Card spot in the AL.

5 p.m. — ESPN — WNBA Playoffs Semifinal: Minnesota Lynx @ Phoenix Mercury

I guess I never realized the WNBA playoffs seed all eight teams without any conference alignment. At any rate, three of the four teams left in the tournament are in the Western Conference, and it’s looking very much like it’ll be a West vs. West matchup in the Finals.

8 p.m. — NBA TV — NBA Preseason Basketball: Rockets vs. Shanghai Sharks

For whatever reason, I am ridiculously excited about the upcoming NBA season. So, yes, I will be watching preseason NBA games, including this tilt between the new-look Rockets and some poor team from China. I’m pumped to see what Mike D’Antoni can do with James Harden as his lead ball-handler.

8 p.m. — FOX Sports 1 — MLS Soccer: Seattle Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps

Hard to believe the Whitecaps are still eligible for a playoff berth, but they apparently are?

TV Reruns

12:56 p.m. — AMC — Fear the Walking Dead

AMC is running a day-long marathon of this show, presumably because there’s a big primetime premier or something?

1 p.m. — USA — Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

The regular day-long marathon, every Sunday. The most dependable piece of NFL counterprogramming.

1 p.m. — Chiller — The X-Files

Chiller is running X-Files reruns all day long. This seems like it could be a cool option.

1 p.m. — Logo — The Golden Girls

Episodes to get you through the early afternoon games.

1 p.m. — TV Land — The Golden Girls

You wouldn’t expect there to be two Golden Girls mini-marathons scheduled for the exact same period of time every Sunday, but here we are.

4 p.m. — FXX — The Simpsons

Episodes today include “Lisa’s Substitute,” “Saturdays of Thunder,” and whole hours of crappy, depressing, bad Simpsons stuff.

8 p.m. — Comet — Mystery Science Theater 3000

A good regular feature of Sunday television.

Movies

11 a.m. — BBC America — Goldfinger

BBC America is running a good 007 marathon today, featuring highly-rated Sean Connery movies.

Noon — Esquire — Moonraker

Hilariously, Esquire is also running a 007 marathon today, but they’re all shitty Roger Moore movies. I don’t know what that might mean for a Bond aficionado, but probably that’s a deal-breaker for everyone else.

Noon — The CW — The Natural

This is already the second or third time The Natural has been scheduled against the NFL this season.

Noon — FXX — Premium Rush

This sounds like it ought to be a stupid movie, but it winds up being pretty cool. Michael Shannon makes for a fun villain, and the plot never takes itself real seriously, which is a good thing.

1:30 p.m. — BBC America — Thunderball

This 007 arms race is delightful. BBC America is flexing all over Esquire today. It’s like a targeted hit.

1:45 p.m. — Sundance — Good Will Hunting

I’m sure this’ll be fun as a chopped-to-shit Sundance selection.

2:30 p.m. — Esquire — For Your Eyes Only

Round two of the lesser 007 marathon. I think this is the most highly rated of the Roger Moore Bond movies.

3 p.m. — IFC — Braveheart

A really surprising number of networks mostly mailed it in today. TNT and SyFy and Comedy Central mostly ran with sequels and other flotsam, for example. Braveheart is fairly ridiculous, but you can do a lot worse today, is what I’m saying.

4:30 p.m. — FreeForm — Titanic

I honestly hate this movie. But! If it’s your thing, it’ll sure get you through a football Sunday.

4:30 p.m. — BBC America — Dr. No

Another round taken by BBC America. Dr. No is running against friggin’ Octopussy.

4:45 p.m. — Sundance — Stand By Me

Gah. It’s like Sundance has all the right ideas, and then fucks everything up with bullshit content edits. They should just run a classic Law & Order marathon every Sunday.

5 p.m. — Esquire — Octopussy

Woof. You’ve gotta love some damn James Bond to tune in for this one.

6:20 p.m. — Comedy Central — Super Troopers

Some people love this movie. It has its moments.

6:45 p.m. — Sundance — The Breakfast Club

See what I mean? Sundance is infuriating.

7 p.m. — FX — Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Starting to look like this will be a regular Sunday option. The Marvel superhero movies hold up pretty well on network television, provided they aren’t being edited for time.

7 p.m. — IFC — Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Edward Furlong is an annoying little fucker, but the movie otherwise holds up.

7 p.m. — BBC America — From Russia With Love

If you stick around after this ends, BBC America is running back Moonraker, for those who missed it the first time around.

7:30 p.m. — Esquire — A View to a Kill

This movie is a heap, but Christopher Walken plays the villain, and the theme song is by Duran Duran. I suppose that makes it interesting, a little? I can’t talk myself into this.

Grey, shitty weather for large parts of the country today. Our run of beautiful Sundays has come to an end. Screw autumn.