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The B.S. Report Report: Bye


Julia Alvidrez, Gawker Media's operations manager, is an unabashed fan of Bill Simmons and everything Grantland. She is also an occasional reader of Deadspin. Every week, she recaps Simmons's podcast, The B.S. Report, for us. This is her final recap.

I've been really crabby all week. I was sick on Monday and had strange fever dreams all day. Tuesday I tried to go to the gym but the elliptical in front of the ESPN TV was taken, so I got discouraged and hid out in the steam room for 30 minutes before leaving. Wednesday night, one drink turned into five, followed by a splitting headache the next morning. Last night the impending weather had me rebooking flights for traveling co-workers (three hours of hold music will make anyone a little insane). And now everyone is wigging out and buying shit-tons of bread because it's snowing in winter. Look, maybe I'm just sad about football and taking it out on everyone, but I deserve to! I put a lot of effort into fostering my new love of all things NFL. I spent six months reading Russell Wilson's tweets, I listened to every B.S. Report, and my poor friends had to suffer through my endless lines of questioning every Sunday. And now, just as predicted, football is over, and I'm devastated.


How can feelings like this develop over such a short period of time? It seems like just yesterday I was being asked to join the office fantasy football pool, frantically trawling through the Grantland archives for tips. I was so naive back then. The only real reason I started following football and listening to Simmons in the first place is because I got charmed into it by a cute guy. Craggs hates this fact, but it's true. And I'm sure he's overflowing with glee now because that guy is gone, and so is football, and now I'm left here, sad and alone. I'm sorry to say, dear readers, that this must be the end of the line for me and the B.S. Report Report. Will I still listen to the Sports Guy and Cousin Sal? Sure. Will I still hate Zach Lowe? Of course. But I've given all I've got to give, and I'm feeling too vulnerable to go on. My friends keep telling me, "It gets better." But I think I just need to be alone for a while. So with that, please sit back, and enjoy the last B.S. Report Report … for now.

On Monday, Bill and Cousin Sal were recovering from their weekend on Bourbon Street, so their Super Bowl recap podcast waits till Tuesday. Our Sports Guy Moment of the Week comes to us right off the bat when Sal recreates Bill's meeting with Sir Paul McCartney. Although Bill's not sure if Paul is actually the last living Beatle, he's still stunned by his presence.


Joe House joins in on the conversation a bit later but not before Sal learns Obama is the first black president and Bill shares an anecdote about telling Twitter CEO Dick Costolo that Twitter was down during the game. Good one, Bill.

House was not a fan of that Go Daddy commercial. Neither were we. Then there's some talk about basketball: Rajon Rondo doesn't smile enough, Chris Paul doesn't really have a bruised knee, and the trade deadline is looming. The biggest news of this podcast is that House won the eating battle between him and Sal. No other details were revealed on air, and I'm seriously at the edge of my seat waiting for the video. It's going to be disgusting.


Later in the week, Chuck Klosterman and Bill talk PEDs, one of my most favorite topics. The hour closely mimics Bill's "daring" article from last Friday but ends with everyone agreeing that no one really knows enough yet to define what drugs are OK for players to use and what makes them cheaters. I was especially happy to hear that Bill thinks clean players should do themselves a favor by volunteering to be tested. I had the same idea! I also think all PEDs should be legal for now, but I doubt Bill agrees there. The only good laugh I got out of this one is when Bill said "plasma regurgitation" instead of "rejuvenation."


So look, it's snowing. I'm drinking red wine at my desk, and I can barely see through the tears. It's time to say good bye. Thanks to my number one fan Kyle Wagner, and my number two fan Nick Stango. Thanks to Lindsey Jaffe for laughing at all of my jokes. Thanks to Tommy Craggs for getting me stumbling drunk in front of Drew Magary. Thanks to Jack Dickey for correcting my verb tenses. And thanks to that guy from the beginning of the season that helped me win $600 of my coworkers' money. Guys come and go, but football never dies. Until next season, good job by you, Billy. Good job by you.

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