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The B.S. Report Report: Road Games


Julia Alvidrez, Gawker Media's operations manager, is an unabashed fan of Bill Simmons and everything Grantland. She is also an occasional reader of Deadspin. Every week, she will recap Simmons's podcast, The B.S. Report, for us.

It's a rainy Monday morning here in Southern California. I know the B.S. Report Report usually comes to you on Fridays but this week I am on the West Coast; the time difference and traffic prevented me from fulfilling my weekly duty to you, dear readers. I hope you can forgive me. You would think that we would have a lot to catch up on, but last week was a lackluster in podcastland. Cousin Sal and Bill guess the Week 16 lines, Mike Lombardi doesn't spill the beans on any upcoming career changes, and Zach Lowe and someone with a crazy name talk NBA.


I was really depending on Cousin Sal and Bill to give me some insight into the Niners-Seahawks game. You see, this week I played for the championship in our office fantasy football league, and I have both Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson on my team. I was exhausting myself trying to decide which one to play and which one to bench. On one hand, I thought San Francisco was going to win, and I have a Niners sweatshirt. But I had been playing with Wilson for weeks; I feel loyal to him; Bill loves him; something about home-field advantage; and I like the Seahawks jerseys better. What's a girl to do?! Bill and Sal were no help so I chose to dance with the girl who brung me, and so I went with Wilson. If you watched the game last night, you know that my pocket is full of money this morning (well, it will be as soon as everyone ponies up!). There were two good things that came out of this week's podcast. First is the notion that Bill Clinton should take over for Roger Goodell as NFL commissioner. God, could you imagine—Clinton tooting his sax at halftime of the Super Bowl? Clinton feeling Ray Lewis's pain? Clinton executing Ndamukong Suh just to prove how tough he is on player health? I would just die to see this happen. Maybe I have a thing for Bills. Second is the collect-call voicemail that Bill left for Sal last week after the Seahawks played in Toronto. Listen in for our Sports Guy Moment of the Week.

Bill thinks Mike Lombardi is going to become a coach or something, but Mike's tightlipped and pretends he knows nothing. This makes for a boring podcast. I listened to it during my commute to work but I totally zoned out and missed most of the beginning. Then I tried to listen to it again on a flight and fell asleep. You know that cross-country flight is way waaaay too long. I can't even sit still for six minutes, let alone six hours. To make sure I don't go totally bonkers I've devised a pretty good system. I spend the first hour trying to get myself situated and entertained enough not to fall asleep before they bring the booze around. Something about the takeoff is really soothing to me and sometimes I pass out before we're even off the ground. This isn't a part of my plan. Then I try to chug a drink fast enough to make me drunksleepy so that I can nap through hours two, three, and four. Then hours five and six can be spent watching in-flight TV. If I am able to stick to this system I pop out of LAX looking and feeling like a spring lily. This last flight did not go according to plan. I fell asleep immediately because of the takeoff thing and because Lombardi was boring me to death. I woke up just as the stewardesses were banging the cart down the aisle. The drink only pepped me up. I tried to do some typing but I got motion-sick and I had to get up to go pee every hour. The only saving grace was that the Bo Jackson "30 For 30" was on ESPN and that made the whole nightmare worth it. Thanks, Bo. No thanks, Lombardi.

Zach Lowe joined Bill for another edition of Smart Guy Wednesdays. Are we really sticking with that name? Bill invents a fun game called "Agree or Disagree?" and presents Zach with a few statements to ponder such as:

"When Amar'e comes back he will screw up the Knicks."

"Miami is terrified that Chicago is going to get the 3 seed."

"It's more likely that Brooklyn will miss the playoffs than make the playoffs."

"Golden State will win 50 games this year."

"Minnesota is definitely a playoff team."

You get the point. Lowe disagreed with every one of them except for the last one. "This is a good podcast." To which Lowe agreed and giggled like a girl. I disagree. When you hear from me next, I will be back on the East Coast. Until then, Sports Guy, over and out.

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