Drew Magary’s Balls Deep column runs every Thursday afternoon. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.
I may be someone who prefers the NFL to college football when push comes to shove (though I really like watching both quite a bit). But even I can’t argue that, when it comes to true, unrelenting, passionate hatred, college football has the NFL beat, hands down. I fucking hate the Green Bay Packers, but my hatred of those northern Wisconsin shitdiggers and their slovenly mongoloid fanbase is nothing compared to the festering revulsion most college fans have for other college programs.
I mean, look at Alabama fans. Those people hate Auburn almost as much as they hate gays, Jews, and running water combined. We’re talking some extremely serious irrational anger here. The kind of anger that causes people to genuinely dislike each other, and wish each other nothing but ill fortune, and fantasize about a grisly, horrid death for one another. It’s what makes college football so grand!
Hell, I’m not even sure I hate the Packers as much as I hate Notre Dame. And I have no regional or personal reason to hate Notre Dame. I just hate them. SO VERY MUCH. Oh, what I would give just to watch Touchdown Jesus burn… BURN TO THE FUCKING GROUND, and to have its dying embers be put out by gallons upon gallons of stale horse urine, and to see NBC terminate its contract with the school, and to have the school fall into a terrible downward spiral, even go bankrupt. I hate them randomly and without motive, which is what makes hating them all the more delightful. God, you fucking suck, Notre Dame. You and your big, fat, white, arrogant orca of a coach. Eat shit. Eat shit and die.
So, with that in mind, I present to you a primer on despising each of the programs currently residing in the preseason Top 25. This isn’t just an excuse to hate a team. This is a chance to expand your hate for a team into a general disdain for a school, its student body, the town it resides in, the state it resides in, and even the people of an entire region. The football team acts a great hateway drug into seething contempt for large swaths of the general population. It also acts as a useful façade to mask your real, socially unacceptable dislikes (“There’s something about those Miami Hurricanes I just can’t stand! They’re such blacks! I mean, punks!”). I’m hooked.
Now, I know this probably isn’t very healthy. These programs generally consist of nice young men just trying to compete. They’re kids, really. Is it fair to project so much anger onto a bunch of kids? Well, I guess not. On the other hand, FUCK THOSE KIDS. They play football. They can suck it up.
Keep in mind, I am just a casual college football fan. None of the hate you’re about to witness has been informed with any kind of real knowledge or insight. In many cases, I’ve never even been to the state in question, or met any of its people. Nor am I all that caught up on the football team itself. No, this guide was written strictly out of ignorance. And ignorance is the key ingredient to any good batch of haterade. To make a tasty haterade, you need equal parts ignorance, insecurity, and laziness – three things I possess in spades. So let’s drink it all in.
Congratulations, Georgia. You’re this year’s “somewhat non-traditional, chic pick to win it all that will drop like a fucking stone in the rankings by October”. You also join Clemson as one of those Southern schools that won a fluky title in the early 80's, creating a ginormous base of retard fans who still expect another one nearly three decades after the fact. Those are fitting characteristics for a football program whose most distinguishing feature is the fact that they have a fucking hedge. Oooh, look everyone! Topiary in the stadium! Isn’t that cool?
I’d also like to raise a giant middle finger to the town of Athens, Georgia for giving the world the B-52's and REM, two bands that have spent decades victimizing unsuspecting listeners with their own highly distinctive brand of musical terrorism. I’m heading on down to the Love Shack, and I’m gonna drive my Chrysler right into the bitch.
Yes, nothing like rooting for a team whose fanbase consists solely of rich, lazy film students cloned from Spencer Pratt’s sperm. Need some more product for your hair, Taylor, Carson Carter, Jaden, Jax, and Blakely? Take your spiked hair and your in-progress development deals and shove them up your ass. Ten years from now your daddy will finally cut you off, and you’ll be slipping scripts under bathroom stalls while doling out $50 handjobs in the In-N-Out burger parking lot. It’ll be the “Paul Hackett Period” of your lives.
3. Ohio State
Let’s ignore the public masturbation, the pederast high school coaches, the disgraceful national title game performances, and the fact that to drive through Ohio is to feel your soul whither into nothingness. No, let’s concentrate on the town of Findlay, Ohio, cradle of American stupidity:
“I think Obama would be a disaster, and there’s a lot of reasons,” said Pollard, explaining the rumors he had heard about the candidate from friends he goes camping with. “I understand he’s from Africa, and that the first thing he’s going to do if he gets into office is bring his family over here, illegally. He’s got that racist [pastor] who practically raised him, and then there’s the Muslim thing. He’s just not presidential material, if you ask me.”
That is one special kind of idiot. He done learned up on his history! It won’t come as a shock to you that Ben Roethlisberger is from Findlay. Or that Big Ben probably played Lenny in his high school’s production of “Of Mice And Men”. Speaking of the Joads…
Yes, Oklahoma. It’s like Texas, only flatter! Oklahoma is part of the Bible Belt. And, in case you didn’t know, that belt is a size 62, because Evangelical church picnics in Oklahoma feature nothing but potato salad, “nacho balls”, hamburgers topped with peanut butter, Tyson chicken drummettes, and leaflets about how keep the Mexicans from creeping further north.
I am largely indifferent to Oklahoma football, largely because I am so indifferent to the entire state as a whole. Oklahoma may very well be our least essential state. Sure, the South is a piece of shit. But it is fun to keep around so that I can mock it and make myself feel all too superior. But Oklahoma? The only things Oklahoma produces are natural gas and quarterbacks who have no chance of competing at the professional level.
Florida is a horrible state in so many different ways that it almost needs to be broken up so that it can be hated properly. Northern Florida, in particular, should really be renamed Eastern Alabama, in order to give it its proper stigma. Because there are plenty of sheriffs in Northern Florida who know their way around a fire hose. And the only reason people don’t make more fun of Gainesville is because Jacksonville is so close by.
And if you think Brett Favre is tiresome, wait until you get a load of Tim Tebow’s 2nd Heisman campaign. A quarterback who’s both mobile AND white? Cue the SportsCenter montage generator! I’m told Dan Shanoff bids on eBay for foreskins Tebow has personally discarded. Even this doesn’t absolve Tebow.
Eh, maybe it does.
I’ve had your cuisine, Cajun people. And you know what? It’s bullshit. Ooh, crawfish! It’s like a lobster, but without the meat! Hooray! “Come hee-yah, son. You gotta tase thizz jambalaya. Mayg yo mouf watta.” Oh, you mean the sludge with the overcooked rice and month-old rectum sausage? Yeah, that’s a treat. Get your food away from me.
And quit gloating over having the lamest national championship team in history last year. And quit bitching about how you shouldn’t have had to share the national title with USC in ‘03. No one gives a shit about you people. Didn’t FEMA tip you off to that already?
Also, jazz? It blows. Try writing a song with some structure and hooks next time. Jazz is like scat singing, but with horns. And scat singing is worse than AIDS.
Well well well, look who created impossibly high expectations for themselves. Your season last year was a bigger fluke than Jason McIntyre employing a proper metaphor.
8. West Virginia
You might think West Virginians burn couches after games because they’re inbred redneck dumbshits who don’t know any better, but that’s not quite true. The truth is, the burning of couches is the state’s #1 way of producing energy. Remember, West Virginia has no electricity or infrastructure of any kind. Burning couches provides them necessary heat for cooking varmints, as well as light needed for crafting letter bombs and identifying the sibling, parent, or stablemate they REALLY want to get in the hay with that night. In fact, look at this energy consumption chart provided to me by the state’s Chamber of Commerce, which is located in one of the state’s famous “planned hole communities”. It’s a fascinating look at how the majority of the state’s energy reserves are laid out:
35% Burning couches
25% Biting Wintergreen Lifesavers in the dark
15% Burning Mrs. Throckmorton’s lodge and decrying “all those Christmas dudes”
10% Burning crosses on lawns they thought belonged to Rich Rodriguez, only to realize they got the addresses mixed up
7% Hydroelectric beaver dams
5% Miniature wind farm outside Betty Lou’s Chili Bowl restaurant (only restaurant in state)
2% Breathalyzer turbines
1% Rubbing coonskin caps together
Beats foreign oil!
Climpson! The school for people who want to major in Trampoline Bouncing. Oooh, look out for Death Valley! There isn’t a harder place to get a victory, except for 8 other ACC stadiums!
Here’s a true fact for you: All Texas high school students are required to take a Texas History course. Here’s another true fact for you: Many UT students have died or been severely injured throughout the years as a result of “surfing” atop the elevators in the tallest dorm on campus. Perhaps these students would have avoided such a grisly fate if they had been taught proper elevator usage in high school, rather than taking a whole course explaining why they should stay loyal to the state by only buying Pace picante sauce.
Let’s also take a moment to talk about Austin. Yes, birthplace of independent music and independent moviemaking. Well you know what, Austin? Robert Rodriguez makes horrible, horrible movies. Oooh, this movie wasn’t directed and edited, it was “shot and chopped”! That’s so edgy and tossed-off! As for Richard Linklater, anyone who liked “Before Sunrise” is a fucking asshole.
And the SXSW festival is attended only by pretentious hipster fuckwads who comment over at the Onion AV Club. These people aren’t a refreshing change from Texas rednecks, so much as an even worse alternative.
Fun fact: In the entire history of the school, no Auburn student has ever graduated. In fact, they don’t even plan a commencement. Everyone just kind of wanders off campus around March or so.
You know you’re a school that has low expectations when your main source of pride is whether or not you beat Alabama at something. Oh, look Auburn! You won the Iron Bowl! You’re the best school in all of Alabama! Which is exactly the same level of honor as being the lady with the nicest set of tits in a nursing home. Way to go.
Let’s take the rest of these at warp speed.
Didn’t the fence at Camp Randall stadium collapse back in ‘93? If you’ve seen these fatties, you know why. Speaking of fatties…
I think we all know Mark Magino far prefers the Sugar Bowl to the Orange Bowl. I once heard that, while waiting for an appetizer, the coach consumed every pack of Sugar In The Raw at his table. Then he ate the busboy.
14. Texas Tech
For those extra special Texas kids who are so dumb, they can’t even get into A&M. The “Tech” stands for “Teach”!
15. Virginia Tech
Awesome campus-wide alert system you people have. Apparently, the only security alarm in Blacksburg is a guy hollering atop a donkey.
16. Arizona State
The school for people whose main career ambition is to be an extra in a Coors Light ad.
17. Brigham Young
Hey Leitch, that stupid fucking picture of Zook water skiing stopped being funny 100,000 postings ago, you raisin-eating motherfucker.
Hey everyone! Let’s all go shopping at The North Face!
And those uniforms are like eye rape.
21. South Florida
22. Penn State
I once watched a sociology film where Penn State frat members got drunk and swallowed live salamanders by the dozen. And remember: those are the SMART Pennsylvanians. The rest of them are running you off the PA Turnpike with their trucks as we speak. Those people can’t drive for SHIT.
23. Wake Forest
Because Duke wasn’t quite uppity enough for you.
Guuuh, that fucking Michigan accent. Ever had to listen to Debbie Schlussel or Michael Moore talk for more than three seconds? Agony, right? Well, imagine being surrounded by 50,000 assholes who talk the same way all the time. “You guyees, thaat is nat wat I’m tacking about!”
Also, would it kill you people at the Big House to actually demonstrate some measure of enthusiasm? The only time that stadium makes noise is if some asshole’s phone goes off, at which point he is politely shushed by those around him.
25. Fresno State
Go back to Armenia!
Now, this hater’s guide is clearly incomplete. I’m quite sure our commenters can add much more disparaging fuel to the fire. So get hatin’, everybody! And enjoy your 2008 college season.