For those who haven’t paid attention to the NBA in recent years because you’re still longing for the days of Larry Bird, the Brooklyn Nets are a mess. A pen-exploding-on-your-lunch kind of a mess.
On Tuesday, a tweet went viral that showed the Nets have a job opening for a public relations coordinator. Being that the Nets are so dysfunctional, working for them sounds like biweekly therapy sessions should be required. Enjoy this scene from a play never to be performed (or completed) titled The Brooklyn Net-wits:
INT. BARCLAY’S CENTER - DAY
An unnamed job seeker, resume in hand, meets with Nets brass to discuss the open PR coordinator role
APPLICANT: Good morning, I’m [insert applicant full name here]. Thank you so much for making the time to speak with me
NETS HIRING MANAGER: Thank you for coming by today, [insert applicant first name here]. Please have a seat. So it says here that you have been working in public relations for two years now.
APPLICANT: Yes, I started with Kane County Cougars.
HIRING MANAGER: It really doesn’t matter. Nothing you’ve ever learned at work or in college can be applied here — unless, you’ve worked for Dan Snyder. Please tell me you’ve worked for Dan Snyder. If you can tell me how he was ever made to appear to be a warm-blooded creature I’ll let you expense coffees.
APPLICANT: I applied there once, but I got an HR out-of-office message.
HIRING MANAGER: Never mind. So here’s the thing, We’ve done nothing right as a franchise in the decade since moving to Brooklyn..
APPLICANT: Aren’t you being a little harsh?
HIRING MANAGER: Absolutely not. Remember the Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett trade?
APPLICANT: Have you all ever had a draft pick in the first round?
HIRING MANAGER: Also, we had a Russian oligarch owner, and later questions about why Andrei Kirilenko signed with the aforementioned oligarch for $7 million fewer American dollars than he could’ve received elsewhere.
APPLICANT: I gave you all a round of applause in my room for coming out of that investigation unscathed.
HIRING MANAGER: And let’s not forget Deron Williams spontaneously combusting. Trump was still hosting “The Apprentice” when all of that went down. Things have only gotten worse here. If it wasn’t for the fact that the few season ticket holders we have only drink IPAs, we would be screwed.
APPLICANT: Brooklyn is the best! Live from Bedford-Stuyvesant the livest one.
HIRING MANAGER: You like Biggie?
APPLICANT: I haven’t gotten around to listening to an album yet, but it’s in my Spotify queue. My coffee shop plays him all the time though. … But, I digress. Kyrie appears to be the most notable problem, so I have this five-point plan on how to re-ingratiate.
HIRING MANAGER: You have a plan to get the most annoying NBA personality since Peter Vescey back in the public’s good graces?
APPLICANT: I certainly do. We start with Kyrie going…
(The hiring manager cuts off the applicant.)
HIRING MANAGER: You want to try to tell Kyrie Irving where to go?
APPLICANT: I was going to make a suggestion.
HIRING MANAGER: Here’s how things work here. In this department, we’re firefighters. You come to work, you slide down the pole, put on a fire retardant suit, and helmet, and go to work.
APPLICANT: I understand damage control, but there is also an opportunity to rebuild his image as well as that of the franchise.
HIRING MANAGER: You’ve seen a wildfire on television before right? Well, the Nets are a forest, and our players and personnel department are climate change. All you can do is dump buckets of water from a helicopter and pray for unseasonable rain, or in our case, a coach of a championship-caliber team getting swallowed by workplace misconduct scandal that serves as a reminder that even after Harvey Weinstein and Louie C.K., many people still don’t understand how faint the line is between consent and power, usurping our incompetence in newsworthiness.
APPLICANT: But that was like two months ago. Kyrie tweeted about an antisemitic movie last week. Also, isn’t Ime Udoka about to be the coach here?
HIRING MANAGER: Hey! At this point that is a credible report that has neither been confirmed nor denied by the organization, but now you’re getting my analogy. If you’re still interested in the job it pays an entry-level salary of $30,000. You’ll be expected to work 50-plus hours a week so you won’t have time for supplemental employment. The average rent for a studio in this borough is $2,900 and your shower will probably be connected to the kitchen sink. Due to inflation, and our free-thinking point guard, you will also likely have to make hard choices sometimes between aspirin for your stress-induced headaches or lunch.
APPLICANT: Thank you for your time, but I think the coffee shop is still hiring.