The Contest Results Are In

It's something the sight of which caused Mrs. Costanza to stumble and throw out her back, and truthfully, if she had seen this, it would have killed her. The 2006 Masturbate-a-thon is now in the record books, as approximately 50 participants — mostly men, and not including Mike Cooper — " dragged the walrus" for charity on Saturday in London with, um, satisfying results. The winner raised more than 500 pounds for charity, there was one sad, lonely protester — it wasn't Carl Monday — and plans are already being made for next year's event. As for other details, let's go to the Guardian Unlimited:

The participants ... were almost exclusively male, and included gay men, transvestites with body piercings, an artist's model and a porn actress hired by the Daily Sport. They waited patiently on a cramped staircase before being invited up to a photographic studio which had been decorated with Moroccan-style lanterns and cushions, red and gold drapes, ornate mirrors and erotic pictures and statuettes. Lubricants and pornographic magazines were provided, as were bottles of water, boxes of Capri-Sun and packets of Cadburys shortcake biscuits.

Also, there was this:

Participant Neil Crawforth, 28, left his wife at their home in Cambridge while he came to do his thing. 'I'm not a good swimmer and I can't run very far, but this is something I can do for charity,' said the software engineer.

All in all, it was wanking's finest hour. Or, finest three minutes ... whatever the case may be.

Dozens Join Hands-On Event; Only One Debater [Guardian Unlimited] Gentlemen, Start Your Wanking [Deadspin]