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The Dallas Marathon

The NHL Closer is written by five immigrants from Mexico that moonlight on Melt Your Face-Off. When not braving the mighty Rio Grande and ducking the Minutemen, we TAKE UR JOBS!

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Spinners. The second round ended.....eventually. But before we get to the marathon that happened in Dallas and the ass-whipping that happened in Pittsburgh, MYFO sends our congratulations to the Wailers Hockey Club in Montclair, New Jersey for their second championship in the Over 30 Recreational Hockey — oh, who are we kidding. None of you care who these girls are or why they're here. Stare at them. That's all they want out of life anyway. (Photo via Sports By Brooks.)


Penguins on Parade!: Mike Milbury lasted a decade on Long Island because of his observational skills! A few minutes into the third period, he reported that Marian Hossa likely would not return after tweaking his groin. Seven minutes and ten seconds into overtime, after Pascal Dupuis' pass deflected off Daniel Girardi's skate, Hossa put the puck between Henrik Lundqvist's legs, thereby punching the Penguins' ticket to the Eastern Conference Finals with a 3-2 victory. Mike, just quit. Pierre McGuire is better at that job than you.

Hossa opened the scoring on a second period power play. Sidney Crosby, in the right faceoff circle passed to aspiring reporter Ryan Malone in the slot, who passed to Hossa at the left side of the net. Four minutes later, Evgeni Malkin sped down the ice, briefly lost the puck to Rangers defensman Paul Mara, then spun around and roofed a backhanded shot over Lundqvist's shoulder. Milbury astutely pointed out that the Rangers could not afford to go down three goals, and the deficit did not increase. Lauri Korpikoski, who is not a blonde Polish girl, scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game when he put a wristshot over Marc-Andre Fleury's shoulder. Seventy-two seconds later, Nigel Dawes deflected Scott Gomez's pass to Fleury's crease into the net. The Penguins were stunned, but held on until overtime and Hossa's dramatics.

Chris Drury, brought to the Rangers for his quantifiable leadership and clutch, hates the world. Early in the second period, Malone lost control of his stick and it became stuck in Drury's visor, scratching the latter's face and bloodying his jersey. Marc Joannette and Brad Watson, in their best Mick McGeough impressions, missed the high stick, and called no penalty. In the waning seconds of the third period, Drury clipped Malone's nose, resulting in a four-minute Pittsburgh power play that crossed into overtime. Drury hopes that there will be a large crowd of spectators at his execution. —Raskolnikov

I know she was robbed.The Dallas Stars stole a marathon match from the San Jose Sharks to take the series 4-2 with a 2-1 victory. Dallas and San Jose beat each other silly from the get-go, with hard hits dominating over scoring in the first period. By the middle of the second period, it was simply a matter of survival when Antti Miettinen scored to put the Stars up 1-0. Just after the third period began, Ryane Clowe tied the game and sent the game into a war of attrition in overtime. The Sharks traded for Brian Campbell for his playoff presence, and the Stars traded for Richards because of his clutchiness. Marty Turco and Evgeni Nabokov both made killer saves, complete with Nabokov making a save off Richards that almost had enough force to push his glove across the line. Only after a replay was the series-winning goal disallowed. Turco made an amazing save of his own, bicycle-kicking a puck that was headed into the net off the stick of Patrick Marlowe. There were more spectacular saves sprinkled through the rest of the first overtime....and the second....and the third....JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE SCORE ALREADY!


Marty Turco desperately tries to end my misery by playing goalfenseman and clearing the puck to Torrey Mitchell, but Mitchell fucks up the shot and we play on. Turco gets bumrushed by all five Sharks on the ice but sits on the puck to keep it out of the net. The referee looks legitimately saddened that he has to wave no goal. The defense continues to struggle to follow the puck like a kiddie league team (Hat tip: MYFO Commenter Caps Red Army) as...oh you've gotta be shitting me. A Fourth OT?? This is murder...for both me and the MYFO Live Blog crowd that have been following the gameHOLYSHITBRENDENMORROWSCORES!!!!!

117 shots. All the main players pushed in over 50 minutes of ice time each. The game began at 9:04 EDT and ended at 2:24 EDT. The game ended in the 129th minute of play. It was the fifth longest game in NHL History. Good lord. Dallas advances to play Detroit in the Conference finals to begin Thursday. Pittsburgh and the Penguins begin their series on Friday. To anyone who sat through that game, which had a gametime length of TITANIC, please have a look at Stars Alternate Captain Mike Modano's hot-ass wife, Willa Ford—ReasonableDoubt



  • The Four Habs Fans are in mourning. Go pay your last respects. [Four Habs Fans]
  • Barry Melrose Rocks discusses a possible Melrose Curse keeping The Cup of Sir Stanley out of Canuckistan. [Barry Melrose Rocks]

    And to close the day, here's a video illustrating how they're promoting hockey down here in the south. For the record, if Panthers fans looked like this? I would have no problem going to their games:

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