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About a week ago, Hamilton invited me to take part in a “yogurt-tasting” video in what I assumed to be a feeble attempt to expand his brand as a guy who consumes and blogs about yogurt. He said it was an “honor” to participate, which was a lie: If you contemplate any food long enough, especially a viscous, off-white cup of milk being slowly metabolized by live bacteria, you realize that this thing you once enjoyed and willingly consumed is in fact disgusting. This is true of all yogurts except for the ones I make, which are incredible.

I learned two things making this video: One is that there are far, far too many kinds of yogurt, all of which taste exactly the same. The fact that there are so many brands only serves to reinforce my conviction that the yogurt industry is a sham preying on innocent consumers’ desire for “healthy cultures” and “gut health.” The other thing I learned is that Hamilton is an asshole.

Please enjoy this video of us slurping our way through several kinds of yogurt, which I am blogging on this fine website because I lost the contest. Points were awarded for the proper identification of brand and fat content, which I am just astounded that anyone would be able to guess. And seriously, just make your own yogurt, it’s super easy and costs a fraction of what you’d pay for “Dannon” or “Fage” or whatever.

Molly Osberg is a Senior Reporter with G/O Media.

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