Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

The Epitome of Douche: "Bros Icing Bros"

Illustration for article titled The Epitome of Douche: "Bros Icing Bros"

I went to a wedding this weekend and saw at least three bros (BRAH!) get iced. This retarded game needs to stop immediately. Right fucking now.


All of the icing I saw done this weekend was done ironically, which only makes it worse. "DUDE, I'M ICING YOU! THIS IS SO GAY!" "DUDE, I KNOW! I'M ACTUALLY SUBMITTING TO THE ICING, WHICH MAKES ME GAY TOO!"

Stop it. You fucking cut it out right now. I don't care if you recognize this whole icing thing as stupid before going ahead and doing it anyway. I'd rather you be genuine about it. I remember the first time someone sent me a link to that Bros Icing Bros shit, I thought it was a site about frat guys raping each other with ice dildos. That would have been sooooo much better than what it turned out to be.

No, what we have now is a burgeoning epidemic of guys engaged in a douchey ritual but acknowledging the douchiness of it as a way of saying, "Yes, I'm doing this. But I am NOT a douchebag." Well, you are. You are a HUGE douche.

Are you unfamiliar with icing? Are you unfamiliar with the rules of icing? Good. Keep it that way. Because unless you're a freshman pledging Delta Upsilon or some other fucking frat, this game is a complete waste of your time. If CNN is already doing an extensive analysis of it, it's already played out and lame and fucking dumb. You're an adult now. Just fucking drink. There's no need to dress it up with rules and taking knees and all this other shit. Here's what I want you to do if someone tries to "ice" you at some party in the coming weeks.

GUY: (hands you a Smirnoff Ice)

YOU: What the fuck is this?

GUY: You've been ICED.

YOU: What the fuck are you talking about?

GUY: You have to drop to one knee, and then chug the Ice in front of everyone. This is meant to embarrass you because Smirnoff Ice is, like GAY. And drinking it makes you gay in public. You will be shunned and excommunicated by your bros if you don't, unless you perform a proper Ice Block, in which you are allowed to retrieve your bro shield and…


YOU: Shut the fuck up and CHOKE.

If the guy trying to ice you gets all huffy about it, good. He was the one stupid enough to shell out for a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice. Let that be a lesson to him.


If you submit to this icing business, you are a fucking sheep. You lack the ability to think and judge for yourself, which probably means you also like the Dallas Cowboys. You are a waste of oxygen and I do not like you. There are certain pop culture trends that end up wrapped in so many layers of winking and irony that they end up returning to their original state of douchey pointlessness, and this is one of them. You do not have to drink. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do. You can not drink. You can leave the party to go masturbate in a closet. You can spit on the homeless. This is America. That's all fair game.

Have some free will, turn down the Ice, and go about your business. That's what Paul fucking Newman would have done. You think anyone tried to ice Paul Newman? Paul Newman would have raped your head if you tried to pull that shit.


And if you are one of these people going around surprising people with your broriffic ice attack, just know you are a dipshit who uses annoying drinking challenges to cover up for the fact that you are an uninteresting person who is unable to simply sit and drink and have a normal, useful conversation. You probably go to Holy Cross. EAT FUCKING SHIT.

Icing is stupid.