The Gospel Of Stephon Marbury

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Do I believe in aliens?" Stephon Marbury asked. "I don't know, because I've never seen one. But I believe in Jesus because I saw him in the shower the other day." OK, you win. Time to tune in.

At some point, you just have to watch for yourself, but in an act of public service, here are the completely unfiltered and Faulkner-esque transcripts from three 10-minute excerpts of Stephon Marbury's UStream Guide to Everything. He's still going. All I did was unmute the laptop and start to type. Starbury took care of the rest.


1:35-1:45 p.m.: My favorite superstar? Denzel Washington. Yo, I was at the Laker game with Denzel Washington. Oh my god, I gotta tell this story, 'cause this is classic. So we at the Laker game, and we sitting down and we talking. So I was like, 'Yo, D, whatup, so you going back to work?' I was sitting in Jeanie Buss's seat. Mr. Buss, the great Mr. Buss, Jeanie Buss, I love her, I love her with all my heart. I take my heart out and give it to her 'cause that's how ill she is. I love that lady. Denzel was like, 'Yeah, I'm about to go overseas, you know what I'm saying? I'm about to go over to Italy and relax and chill and relax myself. You know I got the yacht, it's going to be in the water. I got the plane, it's gonna be gassed and loaded and ready to go. And I got the helicopter on the yacht just in case I want to go to my plane and we decide we want to break out 'cause we didn't want to be on the yacht all day. I'm gonna have my man go fly to Cuba to get me some beans to make some coffee.' I was like, I gotta get on your level, cause that's a living. Training Day? Oh, man, all he did was play himself. "King Kong can't fuck with me!" Ha! That's all he did. He just played himself. D. From the Mount! Oh, man. This is what's up. I love UStream, man. I don't know if I'm gonna play overseas. I don't care where I play basketball at, y'all don't get it. I'm not on basketball, I'm just training to be a monster. I'm just training to be a monster. I'm not thinking about where I'm gonna be playing at, because wherever I lay my head at, that's where I'm gonna rest at, and I'm gonna do what I do, period. If I go overseas and do what I do, whew, man. 'Cause if I go overseas, make sure you go on and cop the new ill jersey that I'm gonna design. Wicked re-tahded. I love my boys when people say that. It's wicked re-tahded. I gotta pakh the cah. Get the keys to the cah. Get the keys to the cah!

2:00-2:10 p.m.: I ain't talking about them. I'm talking about when I was playing in New York, there was a lot of that going on. What I do if I had this and I could do this. Aight. Whatever. What am I drinking? Clear. By Starbury. That's the name of my new water. Clear. You know? How you really feel about D'Antoni? I think D'Antoni, he's a player's coach. He's one of them coaches you say, 'Oh, he become my coach and my contract year's up? Oh, God, thank you. Thank you for that blessing!' That's what I was saying. He was, like, 'Oh, Steph, this is gonna be great. You're gonna score 30 points.' I was geeked up! And I was already working out and training. He was, like, 'You're gonna lead the league in scoring.' I was, like, 'Oh, this is gonna be beautiful. You're putting the rock in my hand.' Cause the rock had been taken out of my hand. If this is what it's gonna be to win a championship, I'm down for it. I'm down. But that wasn't the situation. You work for me? I told you. I'm gonna get something up where everyone get work. All you gotta do is bring people to Starbury. If you go to my Web site,, and go to the very bottom of it, it says OPPORTUNITY. If you go to OPPORTUNITY, you can become a sales rep for Starbury. And I'm gonna pay you 6 percent of whatever you bring to the table. So when you get your catalogue, you could bring it to the store and be, like, 'Yo, I got stuff for the low low. Whachu wanna do?' And if a store say, 'OK, we want a million pairs, 100 thousand of those shorts, 100 thousand of those.' If that purchase order is $100 million, you get $6 million. How you like that? And that's for everybody that's on here. Yeah, we can do that. UStream TV, you see me. Holla back if the window is crack. Whatup, Star. Born. you know who you are. Holla. I love Canada. 'Ohhh, Canada. We' — I love that song. I love y'all's anthem. That anthem is dope. And I love when I come there and they sing it. I love hearing it. It's fresh. Now, I never suck no wee-wee before. Next question. He's bored. I don't know how the whole song go. I only know little bits, little parts of the song. It feels good when haters say stuff, like, 'Do you suck cock?' And I just say no, and move to the next question. It feels good to be, like, 'Why would you say something like, I can't believe you say that, word up, I got goons there, word up.' I don't want no fight with you. I don't want no beef with you. You got in a fight with me 'cause of words? I ain't down with that. I'm not down with that. What do I think about Vince Carter and Dwight Howard? I think that's a great marketing tool for Orlando. Vince is a hometown kid. It's perfect. Vince wanna go back to Vinsanity. Don't get him twisted. He can play. Don't get him twisted. When he put his mind to it, and he say, I'm about to go in? He's a different animal. 'Cause he can shoot the ball from deep. And he can blow by you, and when he blow by you, if he jump, you already know what's next. I ain't gotta tell you. What do I think about healthcare reform? I think our system should be like Canada's system, that's what I think. I like that system. But we not Canada, so we can't do that, but I like free healthcare. I like when people are able to go inside and doctors help them and we pay for it collectively as a group. 'Cause when you get sick, you want people helping you. You my idol. I don't want to be your role model, I want to be your goal model. Those are words from the great Jim Brown. He gave me that. Drew, whatup, baby? Drew, what's up, what's the deal, baby? Drew Barry, the person who introduced me to college with the lob, the perfect lob! Ahhh! I'm back to that again. Screamin'! After a play, a dunk. Oh, yeah. After dunks, man. I can't wait. It's on. Shoutout to Alex Fitzgerald, whatup. Is that Fitzgerald, the kid from the Cardinals, he's a problem. Politics? Nah. I ain't into politricks. I ain't into the politricks business. I don't wanna trick nobody. No, I'm not nowhere near as popular as Yao Ming. I don't even wish that. Yao got problems. He can't go nowhere. I love throwing on a fitted, a hoodie, if I got to. 'Cause I can mix it up. I can go suit it and boot it, I can go dress to impress, I can get fresh to def. All of them different things, we know how to do it.


3:00-3:10 p.m.Would I suck a wee-wee for $1 million? Would you suck a wee-wee for $1 million? Hell no, no wienies, but you gonna ask me that. You disgraced yourself, huh? I didn't even do it, you did that. I tell people, 'Don't be mad at me, be mad at yourself. I didn't do it to you.' Sorry. I can't make you mad because the Knicks didn't do something. If I can make you mad, then you saying that I can control you, and if I can control you, then that's not good. Especially if you a man saying that. If you a man getting on here saying I make you mad, why you do that to my team, you bugging out, daddy. You gotta grow up fast. I don't own no bling anymore. I got rid of all that. I took my bling and invested it into something, and I'm gonna use that money from the bling, that I got back from me, and put it in something else and let that pay for my bling. And the bling ain't even gonna be for me. It's gonna be for my queen. Don't play basketball, you are not a talk show host, you can barely speak English, you need to shoot the ball in the hoop. OK, thank you. Bye bye. Buh-bye. Can you tell me what's a talk show host? Who are the talk show hosts? Kimmel? Who, Jay Leno? Those are the talk show hosts? OK, I got you. I understand. Big L, love Big L. It's going fast now. What's slo-mo? How we kick people out? Nah, you know what, I'm not gonna kick nobody out. I want them to kick themselves out. What you about to eat for lunch, homie? Man, I'm not gonna eat anything, daddy. I'm fasting right now. And my stomach is doing the hula-hoop dance right now. Real tough. My joint is banging right now. I'm fighting hunger pains right now. [Stream cuts out for two minutes] And she keep telling you everyday, you gotta get your own place, Johnny, you're not gonna be able to keep staying in the basement playing on the computer. At least get a girlfriend.

And remember: All of that was factorial.