The Greatest Doink The Clown Story Ever

Illustration for article titled The Greatest Doink The Clown Story Ever

Former wrestler Matt Osborne—aka Doink the Clown—died a few days ago. Justin Halpern, bestselling author and co-creator of the upcoming Fox sitcom Surviving Jack, told us this story about working with Doink way back in 1998. Halpern believes the Doink mentioned here is Osborne, but given that Doink was portrayed by a number of wrestlers over the years, we can't verify it. Either way, read this now.


So I'm working at Hooters. Been working there for about six months when we hire this big barrel of a guy. Not too tall, but super wide. After a week or so I get to talking to him, and he tells me he used to be Doink the Clown. It's like 1998, so this is before you could find out everything on the internet in two seconds. So I'm not sure if I believe him or not, but he's got STORIES and he knows his shit.

So one day, the Pacers are playing the Bulls in the Eastern Conference Finals. He's in the dish pit and I'm out front. And these two dudes—one a Pacer fan, one a Bulls fan—start jawing at each other: "Bro," "faggot" ... those words are flying. It's classic San Diego pre-brawl language.

So I go over there, all 6-foot-3, 140 pounds of me, and I say, "Hey guys," and before I can get another word out, it's an avalanche of shut ups and faggots.

And so I go back behind the kitchen, cause I'm making like four bucks an hour after taxes and fuck if I'm gonna take a beating for that.

But then the two dudes start shoving, so me and my buddy, we're like, "What the fuck do we do, call the cops?" and my buddy's like, "Fuck no, if that guy is really Doink the Clown, then what the fuck, he should be able to do stuff right?"


So we go get Doink and I say, "Hey man, there's shit about to go down out here with these two guys." And he drops the dish he's cleaning and he goes, "SOMEONE IS STARTING SHIT IN MY FUCKING RESTAURANT?"

Like, super-serious.

And he bounds out from the dish pit like he's coming down the walkway to the ring, and I'm getting REAL fucking excited. He goes out in to the dining area and he goes, "WHO'S GOT A PROBLEM?" Just says that shit to no one in particular.


And this Bulls fan is like, "Shut up faggot," and Doink gets in his face and says, "THAT'S REAL BIG TALK."

And that guy says, "Fuck you fat boy," and right then Doink grabs the dude, with one hand by his crotch and the other hand by his shoulder, and fucking suplexes him down on the ground. Just like in the fucking ring. And that guy's back is just SLAMMED on the hard ground. He's done. Doink looks at me and he goes, "CALL THE FUCKIN' COPS, THIS DUDE IS OUT."


And I did, and the cops came and arrested the dude. Doink was a hero, man.