It’s that time of year again. Time to break out the roasting jacket and say horrible, awful, incredibly mean-spirited things about every school participating in the NCAA tournament. And while I fucking hate the new 68-team bracket, that does give us a chance to hate on three extra schools this go round. So that’s nice.
As always, this Hater’s Guide was assembled without much knowledge of any school’s heritage, student body, or even its location. Fortunately, many schools in the tournament are already named by location. Because when you go to Arkansas-Little Rock, that’s probably the only way you’re going to remember where exactly your school is situated. And so, for the sake of you, the reader at home, I have done everything I can to make sure I am 100% ignorant of every single entrant here. Any seemingly correct facts about the teams contained herein were all culled from Wikipedia, or even worse, WikiAnswers. Often, I didn’t even bother to consult those sites, and just made up terrible shit instead. Because that’s easy, and laziness is hate’s best friend. Let’s dig in, shall we? You get one half of the bracket today, the other half tomorrow.
1. Ohio St.: We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.
2. North Carolina: No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.
FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.
3. Syracuse: Curious as to why Syracuse changed its nickname to Orange from Orangemen (and Orangewomen)? Wikipedia says…
This revision is gender-neutral…
Oooh! Gender neutrality! Finally, we have a mascot with no genital markings of any sort!
Whoa hey, what’s with “Orangemen” having two syllables? That’s way to complicated for me! I go to school at Syracuse! My term paper was six pages written in crayon about “Little Bear”!
…and reflects the basis of the nickname as being the school color…
Well, thank goodness for that! Here I thought the name was derived from Upstate New York’s vast orange groves.
…as opposed to being derived from the Irish and Scottish Protestant fraternal organization.
Because I confuse those two entities ALL THE TIME.
Stupidest fucking nickname change ever.
4. Kentucky: In an interview with Entertainment Weekly last week, Jason Patric said that Ashley Judd was, “lazy, selfish, and arrogant.” And really, doesn’t that just make her the perfect Kentucky fan? She’s gonna get fat, you know. In ten years, she’ll be Kentucky fat, gnawing on chicken bones and drinking Hershey’s Syrup right out of the bottle.
5. West Virginia: Stick to what you know, WVU people: Shootin’ shit! That’s right, the WVU rifle team has won fourteen national titles, despite having just three couches to practice on! Credit the team’s time-tested technique for picturing any target as a dirty injun who just made off with their child bride. THERE’LL BE NO BLOOD MIXIN’ IN THIS HERE COUNTY!
6. Xavier: Look at that fucking mascot:
I bet that thing could deep throat a lounge pillow without gagging once.
7. Washington: Did you know that Mudhoney is still around? And that no one gives a shit?
8. George Mason: You know how everyone loved Mason when they made the Final Four (as did I), and beat all those big mean favored teams? Well, here’s the thing: There’s nothing about George Mason that’s intrinsically better or more interesting than any school they beat on that little run. It’s just some asshole commuter school in Northern Virginia. It’s a four-year community college. The most popular major at Mason is Blocking Traffic. They’ll get crushed by Round 2 this year, and then all the magic pixie dust will wear off again. Enjoy!
9. Villanova: Isn’t this a school for mob children? I’m almost certain that it’s a school for mob children. “What’s that? Little Frankie Jr. was caught beating a black man to death with a tire iron? Uh… SEND HIM TO NOVA! HE CAN LAY LOW THERE FOR A BIT!”
10. Georgia: Quick! What color is your uniform? You only get three chances!
11. Marquette: Hey, you know who’s still dead? Al Maguire.
12. UAB: Jesus, you couldn’t stay in the tournament before it even started? No wonder Jay Bilas wants your school burned to the ground. You’re worse than an NIT team, UAB. You’re like an NBDL team that was contracted.
12. Clemson: I once read a Dan Jenkins book where Clemson was always pronounced “Climpson.” The center for Climpson in the book was named Potatus Fry. And that’s because Dan Jenkins is RAYCESS.
Seriously though, Clemson has the fabulous distinction of being conference filler. You know those schools that are in big conferences that occasionally have okay seasons but never really do anything? That’s Clemson. You could swap it out for some other retard school and no one would even fucking notice. You are the oatmeal in the ACC’s Taco Bell taco, Clemson.
13. Princeton: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. Seems a relatively low seeding for such an ELITE, PRIVATE institution. Know how you can tell if someone went to Princeton? Because they’ve already told you seventy times that they went to Princeton. Going to Princeton means you were born with a fucking sweater tied around your neck. Any Princeton person you know on Facebook will update their profile six times a day with some picture of themselves on a ski vacation. “POWDER’S GREAT AT DEER VALLEY TODAY, GUYS!”
And I fucking hate it when people jizz all over themselves when some Ivy League team beats a big name school by winning 43-42, bleeding the clock every possession and running nothing but back door cuts. Ooooh! Look at those scrappy genius youngsters outsmarting the big city savages! YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEM!
14. Indiana St.: FUCK YOU. Thanks for Larry Bird, Indiana State. Thank you for bequeathing “Basketball Jesus” upon the world. And the reason Larry Bird is called “Basketball Jesus” is because he’s so ugly, he looks like someone left him nailed to a cross for twenty-eight days.
Why does your school even exist anymore? You’re not gonna do any better than that one Bird year. It’s over for you. Your school has no purpose anymore. You may as well revert back to being an auto body repair center.
15. Long Island: One time I went to a party on Long Island and got really, really drunk. And ran into a bathroom to throw up, only I had entered a bedroom instead of a bathroom. And I didn’t have time to try another room, so I threw up right there on the air mattress and my vomit was BLACK. First and only time that’s happened. Totally black, like I had just been drinking petroleum. Then I wiped the vomit off with my forearm and passed out on the same mattress. Anyway, Long Island is a piece of shit.
16. Alabama St.: Holy shit, there’s an Alabama school that’s a rung BELOW Auburn? What do they teach there, hammock repair?
16. UT – San Antonio: Listen, if you go to a school like this, you really may as well not go to any school at all. You’re much better off working for four years behind the Thrifty Rental Car counter, because that will ensure you a brighter future than going to a completely random and useless school like this one.
1. Duke: Duke recently ranked 244th out of 285 schools in terms of overall student safety. And do you know why? Because when no one is looking, Coach K has his players sneak up on any freshman virgin the coach deems “of good breeding.” These freshmen are then housed in the coach’s basement and tortured methodically, often by placing reeds under their fingernails. The freshmen are then forced to watch multiple floor-slapping videos with their eyelids held open. Then they are force-fed a steady diet of corn muffin batter and Karo syrup, until they are so heavy that their self-esteem is completely destroyed, fostering a bizarre kind of Stockholm Syndrome in which the girls have little choice but to submit to loving Duke basketball forever. And if they should ever stray, Coach K warns them, the team will butcher a dolphin right before them. Then they are sent on their way, forever psychologically trapped by the coach and his minions.
None of that is true, by the way. But fuck Duke.
2. San Diego St.: Oooh loogit! It’s this year’s “Token surprise team that’s seeded way too high!” It’s so cute to watch teams like this lose somewhere in the first two rounds. It’s like they suddenly remember exactly who they are.
3. UConn: The freshman dorm at UConn is known to students there as “The Jungle.” And leave it to a group of retarded Connecticut white kids to nickname their dorm “The Jungle.” Ooooh! YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY! Watch us burn this couch after a big women’s basketball win. ARE YOU NOT INTIMIDATED?!
By the way, if you’ve ever been to Storrs, you know why people at UConn actually care about women’s basketball. Antarctica is less remote. The mind can play tricks on itself if you’re isolated that long. Suddenly, a slow-paced women’s game morphs into a fight between aliens and giant red apes, and the room becomes adorned with goblets full of red wine and whole racks of lamb. A dangerous illusion, to be certain.
4. Texas: I will again point out that students at Texas like to surf on top of elevators. Because they’re fucking stupid.
5. Arizona: I actually went to the U of Arizona last spring. That whole state is like a temporary rest stop on your way to the West Coast, and some people there were too stupid to know they weren’t supposed to stick around. They just looked out at the desert and were like DURRRR WELL IT’S HOT AND SHITTY BUT I RECKON I’LL STAY DURRRR. That’s why Arizona is now widely regarded as the Mississippi of the Southwest. It’s the straggler state. You know how you go to a rest stop and everyone at the rest stop is fat and gross and has a chicken drumstick in each hand? Well, take that rest stop, make it 4,000 times larger, and add four pro sports teams that no one gives a shit about. That’s Arizona.
6. Cincinnati: Charles Manson was born in Cincinnati. FACT: He is the nicest, most levelheaded person to come out of that city. I again point out to you that Cincinnati had race riots ten years ago. Not forty years ago. Not thirty. Fucking 2001! I think they only integrated buses last week. Cincinnati is like its own giant time portal. You step into the town, and suddenly it’s forty years ago, and races are fighting, and people are littering, and you can smoke inside, and everyone is drinking Tang and shit. It’s an abominable place.
7. Temple: Jesus, why do they even let Temple into this tournament anymore? They’re just gonna go and shit the bed. And did anyone ever explain why former head coach John Chaney looks the way he looks? He looks like a beaver who decided to wear the Green Hornet’s mask. Seriously, I think I see a map of Asia on his face. When you Google “John Chaney”, Google suggests “John Chaney goon” to you. I swear this is true. It also suggests you not do an Image search.
8. Michigan: YOU MADE FAT DREW CRY!
9. Tennessee: It’s hard to take a school seriously when its women’s coach has a bigger cock than its men’s coach. I heard Bruce Pearl can only orgasm while having a string of whistles pulled out of his large intestine.
10. Penn St: Penn State has no actual classrooms. It’s just a series of dorms that young Pennsylvanians live in for five to seven years before going to work in coal mines until the day they die. I talked to someone who went to Penn State once.
ME: What did you major in?
ME: Yeah, like what classes did you take?
ME: Yeah, like what did you study?
HIM: Uh… I think I played some kickball.
ME: But did you read any books or anything?
HIM: Was “Silk Stalkings” ever a book?
HIM: Then no.
HIM: WE ARE… PENN STATE! I think. Someone told me we were Appalachian State once and that really confused me.
(NOTE: I have left the Missouri space blank, so that it represents the complete lack of significance that particular state has to the rest of America, and to the world itself. Hey, at least Arizona is filled with crazy assholes. I’m pretty sure Missouri is just an empty parking lot.)
12. Memphis: FACT: Over 40% of all students at Memphis major in Necromancy.
13. Oakland: I’m told the life expectancy in Oakland jumped up last year to an incredible 34.6 years old! Not only that, I heard there are now at least three eight-year-olds in town who have a full set of living parents! Isn’t that something?!
/is told by Daulerio that Oakland University is actually in Michigan, and not Oakland, CA
/verifies assertion with simple Google search
Well, I’ll be damned. That’s the shocker of the tournament right there. You see how important ignorance is to this exercise?
Booger from Revenge of the Nerds went to Oakland, by the way. So break out the wonder joints when the Golden Grizzlies take the court.
14. Bucknell: Are we sure this isn’t a water polo team? I’m pretty sure it’s a water polo team that was given a berth in this tourney by accident.
15. Northern Colorado: Are you a gay person who’d like to be murdered one day? Well, do I have a great area of the country for you! It’s intolerant. It’s cold. It’s remote. Why, they’ll never find your body!
By the way, Northern Colorado (or as I call it, Loco NoCo) has a School of Sport and Exercise Science. You can get your diploma in one of three ways: Manual, Hill, or Random.
16. Hampton: FACT: Hampton University has no actual physical campus. It’s just an online chat room that was deserted by its users back in 2003 but still maintains its NCAA status.
Image by Jim Cooke