The panic button is my favorite concept in NFL media. Is it red? Where is it? Is it behind glass? Who gets to push it? Why are we pushing it? What happens when it’s pushed?
There are five 0-2 teams — Bengals, Falcons, Panthers, Raiders, and Titans — and all of them are jamming the panic button like a child calling the elevator. (There’s a teenage-porn joke somewhere in this intro, but Mark Sanchez cornered that market.) For the franchises that haven’t gotten out of the gate yet, they’ll have to coach harder, play harder, and do everything harder because the percentage of 0-2 teams that make the playoffs is similar to the success rate of kids who do PCP before age 12. We all know the cutoff to angel dust introduction is 13. It stunts the growth, like coffee or Juul pens.
So in order for the NFL’s winless to avoid juvenile detention centers and short man’s syndrome, they’ll need to stop smoking that stuff and get in the victory circle with the rest of the D.A.R.E. kids. (Is that still a thing? Euphoria makes me think that’s not a thing anymore.)
Alright, from “we were supposed to suck” apathy to “I bought a brand new jersey for this shit?!” anxiety, let’s take a look at who’s wearing out the “panic” on their large red button.