Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

What you are looking at here is a Mariners fan fucking up, just as the M’s have been doing for the past several weeks now. The team, though still 18 games above .500, has recently slipped to 2.5 games behind the A’s for the second wild card spot. This is despite the fact that, as late as June 16, they were 46-25, just a half game out from first in the AL West and just 1.5 games behind the juggernaut Red Sox for the first wild card. They’ve gone 8-16 over their last 24. Their run differential is -19, worse than the 52-58 Twins. And also now their outfield is filled with irremovable poutine juices.


The M’s were playing the Blue Jays in this one, which naturally meant that poutine references were on the docket. It’s too bad that poutine is actually Québécois—the rest of Canada, please stop appropriating it as your own, you louts!

The day before, some other fan took off all his clothes and got his dick and balls mashed into the outfield grass by security, seemingly not too far from where that poutine jus stain still sits.

It says something about how bad things have gotten for the Mariners that even a story involving an honest-to-God nude-on-the-field streaker wound up being a bummer. The streaker—an Irish citizen living in Vancouver who, if you are just joining us, whipped his dick out in front of 40,515 others for $80 and a few laughs—reportedly could be deported for his indiscretion.


It’s hard to know how much weight to put on that one report, which is single sourced and has a strong whiff of a situation where the cops got a reporter to carry their water for them in order to spook people into not interrupting a live sporting event with their bare asses. Regardless, all of this is a nice little summary of how things have been for the Mariners of late. Two fans and their loved ones went to a baseball game hoping to have some fun, and all left incredibly disappointed, by association. One of them really might get deported! Anyway, that’s how things are going for the Mariners and their fans.

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