Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled The NBA Closer: Threat Or Menace?

The NBA Closer is written by J. Jonah Jameson, publisher and editor-in-chief of The Daily Bugle, New York's favorite newspaper since 1932. When he's not trying to rid the world of a certain wall-crawling menace, he can be found preparing his Pulitzer Prize speech at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

San Antonio 107, Orlando 97. The youth of this nation must learn to respect real heroes -men such as my son, John Jameson, the test pilot, and even NBA superstars like Tim Duncan - not selfish freaks like Spider-man, a masked menace who refuses to let us know his true identity! Speaking of Duncan, he had 19 points and 15 rebounds, and he got plenty of help from fellow upstanding Americans like Michael Finley (24 points) and Manu Ginobili (28 points). What?! Ginobili's from Argentina?! I bet that rotten Spider-man is behind this! He's always trying to discredit me! Oh, Dwight "Superman" Howard had 24 points and 21 rebounds in a losing effort. On the subject of losing, the Magic lost the services of both Hedo Turkoglu (sprained right wrist) and Jameer Nelson (bruised jaw) in the first half, and I'll bet Spider-man was involved somehow!


New Orleans 114, Indiana 106. Many people ask me, "Mr. Jameson, if Spider-man is as dangerous as you say, why is he always saving people from criminals and super-villains?" The answer is simple: Because he's really an egomaniac, a neurotic trouble-maker flaunting his power before the ordinary citizens whom he despises! For all we know, he himself provokes the criminals whom he later seems to defeat! And that makes my blood boil. You know what else makes my blood boil? Hoosiers! What the hell is a "Hoosier" anyway? So yeah, I was glad Chris Paul and the Hornets stung the Pacers. Get it? "Stung the Pacers." That's some clever journalism is what that is. Write that down. Anyway, Paul had 31 points and 14 assists, and David West added 35 points and 15 rebounds. I don't know a lot about basketball, but I've been told those numbers are pretty good. The Pacers got 26 points out of Danny Granger and another 17 out of Shawne Williams. Hey, didn't Williams harbor a suspected murderer earlier this season? Hey, maybe he's harboring that web-headed miscreant, Spider-man! Where's Peter Parker? I'd better send him to get some pictures...

Dallas 103, L.A. Clippers 90. Do we really want our youngsters to make an idol of a mentally-disturbed menace like Spider-man?! I say no! We must find him...unmask him...and then destroy him! The very future of American's children is at stake! Speaking of futures that are at stake, the Mavericks playoff future is really hanging in the balance these days. They're barely hanging onto the seventh seed in the Western Conference, they can't beat good teams, and their superstar and reigning "MVP" Dirk Nowitzki is out indefinitely with left knee and ankle injuries. Was Spider-man responsible for that? No?! Can we be absolutely sure?! Meh, whatever. Since Dallas can't beat a good team, it's lucky for them they were playing the Clippers last night. Josh Howard scored 32 points, Erick Dampier had 19 points and 17 rebounds, and Jerry Stackhouse added 20 points. The Clippers know what? Who cares?! Why are we talking about some lousy sports team when we should be tracking down Spider-man before he strikes again! Where's Parker?! Paaaaaarker!!

Chicago 103, Atlanta 94. As publisher of The Daily Bugle, I'm offering a cash reward of one thousand dollars for the capture and conviction of that web-slinging, wall-crawling mockery of a man! Oh, and just so you know, that reward is not redeemable in U.S. Dollars. It will be paid out in 36 monthly installments of our company currency, which I like to call "Bugle Bucks." Bugle Bucks can be used to purchase important and valuable items, such as a six-month subscription to The Daily Bugle or an autographed photograph of yours truly (made out to "Dear paying customer"). Anyway, onto this "Hawks/Bulls" business. Watching these two lousy teams go at it reminds me of the time I paid to have Mac Gargan genetically mutated into the super-villain called the Scorpion so he could put an end to Spider-man once and for all! Unfortunately, Gargan went insane and tried to kill me, and, even worse, he failed to stop Spider-man! So basically, nobody really won. Exactly like this game. Drew Gooden led the Bulls with 31 points and 16 rebounds, and Josh Childress scored 22 for the Hawks.

Utah 128, Charlotte 106. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Some people have actually accused me of slandering Spider-man. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel. What are you people, his lawyers? Get lost! Let him sue me and get rich like a normal human being! So the Utah Jazz...they're coached by a man named Jerry Sloan, who reminds me a little bit of me. And I like that! Although "Utah" and "Jazz" go together about as well as Oreos and motor oil. Blech! So yeah, Carlos Boozer led seven Jazz players in double-figures with 28 points, and Deron Williams added 14 points and 15 assists. Jason Richardson scored 26 for the Bobcats. Hey, didn't I once hire a guy called The Bobcat to track down and unmask Spider-man? Or was it The Puma? Yeah, I think that was it.

Portland 102, Washington 82. Am I always to be thwarted, embarrassed, frustrated by Spider-man? I hate that costumed freak more than I've ever hated anyone before! I'll never be content while he's free! And the Wizards won't be content until Gilbert Arenas returns from injury. And for that matter, the Trail Blazers probably won't be totally satisfied until they have Greg Oden in uniform. But for tonight at least, Washington was the most frustrated team, despite the 19 points they got out of Caron Butler. Portland was led by Martell Webster's 23 points, and they also got 17 rebounds out of Joel Przybilla. Holy wow, that's gotta be a fun name to run through the spell-checker. I hear some fans call him The Vanilla Gorilla. I wonder if he'd be interested in hunting down Spider-man for me...?


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