The Real Reason Michael Phelps Won't Meet With the Pope

Illustration for article titled The Real Reason Michael Phelps Won't Meet With the Pope

It's not because he got high (as we all know, the Pope smokes dope). The reason famous fish-person Michael Phelps won't meet with the Nazi Pope is buried deep in his family history, as revealed on his Wikipedia page.


It's all because of these seemingly unimportant words, from the "Personal Life" section of his user-generated biography: "His father, Fred Phelps...."

Michael Phelps' father is Fred Phelps. Unless there is more than one Fred Phelps in America, that means the Olympic champion swimmer's father is the psychotic ruler of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the creator of the famous slogan and website "God Hates Fags" and its slightly lesser known campaign, "Priests Rape Boys."

This is what Fred had the say on the occasion of the death of Pope John Paul II:

Deal with it, you idolatrous morons! The pope is in Hell. Westboro Baptist Church members are competent expert witnesses, having picketed hundreds of Catholic churches in all fifty states over the past fourteen years. We will bear witness on Judgment Day: Catholics are the meanest, most violent people on Earth, and their churches are filled with filthy fag priests. On John Paul II's watch, the Catholic Church became the CHURCH OF THE HOLY PEDOPHILES and sodomite feces and semen replaced bread and wine.

Fred Phelps' best writing is a witty combination of William S. Burroughs and Skeletor, isn't it?

Anyways, that is the real 100% true reason why noted waterbug Michael "God Hates Boats" Phelps will not meet with Pervert Pope Benedict XVI, The Godfather of Pedophiles.


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