The Red Sox Are Losing Because John Lackey Likes To Double-Fist Beers, Writes Moron

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The Red Sox lost a baseball game last night, dropping their record to three games below .500, and you know what that means, don't you? It's time for some dumb columnist to turn into Carrie Nation and throw some shit at the wall. CSN New England's Joe Haggerty did just that when he published this article, which might as well be titled, "Chicken and Beer II: The Double Fistening."

According to Haggerty, the Red Sox issues come down to "... a few rotten apples that are ruining the bunch as they continue to infect a team that's trying to shake its past reputation" (That reputation being derived from the fact that a couple of dudes on the team drank some beer and ate some chicken one time).


And who is the rottenest of these rotten apples? Who is the mastermind whose beer-swilling ways are infecting the team and bringing loss after loss? John God Damn Lackey, that's who:

There were others that just don't seem to care about wins or losses anymore.

Like John Lackey, who apparently needs to travel with the team and work with trainer Mike Reinold while recovering from Tommy John surgery – a fairly standard rehab that literally thousands of pitchers have come back from stronger-than-ever over the last 30 years.

But for whatever reason, the underachieving righty needs to travel with the team even though he won't be throwing even one measly pitch for them.

Lackey was so busted up after the latest defeat that he was strutting around the clubhouse with a can of Bud Light in each hand, or what is known as "double-fisting" on every college campus in the history of mankind.

So much for the Bobby Valentine ban on alcohol in the Sox clubhouse that was implemented during spring training. (It should be noted that beer is in fact allowed in the road clubhouses after the game, but perhaps it shouldn't be given what's gone on with this team after the last year.)


Holy shit, you guys. A pitcher who hasn't even played for the team this year was walking—sorry, strutting—around the clubhouse with two beers in his hand. How's a gritty-scrapping spit-fire like Dustin Pedroia supposed to will his team to victory under such heinous conditions? How could John Lackey be so heartless?

In the end, let's all just be thankful that guys like Joe Haggerty are here to call out clowns like Lackey with a series of one-sentence paragraphs.

Haggerty: Signs are there that Sox are giving up on the season [CSNN]