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The Rockies Tried Their Best To Kill The Yankees

The Rockies and Yankees are having two very different seasons, with the Bronx Bombers having the best record in the American League and the purple lads from Colorado being trapped in a tailspin on the way to being the worst team in the National League not named the Marlins. Given that conventional methods of trying to win a game of baseball would be rather ineffective for them, the Rockies decided that the next best shot they had to defeat their opponents would be to become Metallica in 1983 and Kill ‘Em All.

Colorado began executing this strategy on an individual basis. On an 0-2 pitch in the bottom of the fourth, Rockies pitcher Chad Bettis hit Yankees’ beefy baseball boy Luke Voit square in the chin with a 91 mph throw. What Bettis didn’t account for, however, is the fact that Voit’s chin is apparently made of fucking steel. It wasn’t until Voit was driven home on a Gleyber Torres line drive single two batters later that he was officially taken out of the game for concussion protocol. The tests came back clean.

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With that personalized method of attack no longer working, Colorado had to settle for moves with wider ranges that could knock out multiple Yankees in one fell swoop to get everyone before the end of the game. The team also apparently wanted to surprise their opponents and not attempt this while the Rockies were out in the field—the element of surprise is important in such matters. This was almost accomplished through the efforts of Tony Wolters in the top of the seventh.

While this strategy was a bold innovation in gameplay for a sport that so desperately needs it, the overall plan was ultimately unsuccessful as the only Yankee who has harmed ended up being fine, and Colorado ultimately lost 11-5.

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