"Colony of Birchmen," by Mastodon. RUN. WIIITH. DAYAYAYAYAYEATH!!!

Nothing beats a good song about killer trees. I remember in "Poltergeist," when the tree tried to eat the kids. Scared the living fuck out of me. You keep your filthy limbs off of me, you killer trees.

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Embarrassing Song I Sang Once In Choir That Will Not Fire You Up

"Iko Iko," by The Belle Stars. I sang in choir in middle school and freshman year of high school, which makes me a fucking loser, no matter how hip shows like "Glee" may be these days. My choir teachers were always nice men who were absolutely out of their fucking minds. They'd make you do these weird vocal warmup exercises where you say shit like MY MOMMA MAKES ME MASH MY M&MMMMMMMMMMMMMMS! And they all played the piano really vehemently. They'd sit there banging on the keys and conduct you at the same time. And they'd do it all very theatrically, like Corky St. Clair. Choir was very, VERY important to them.

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They always had horrible taste in song selection. They made us sing shit like this, or "Somewhere Out There," from An American Tail. You got this little two-page pamphlet for each song that gave you the lyrics and the notes you had to hit. And we always lost them, so you'd have to end up sharing with the guy next to you, and you'd be singing really close to one another, and you'd feel really gay in the process. Kids fell off the choir risers at least twice a week.

The worst was the year Dirty Dancing hit. We sang every fucking song from that movie. "Hungry Eyes." "Do You Love Me?" All of it. I can only imagine being a parent and having to sit in the audience for forty-five minutes, listening to that horrible shit.

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I also sang in an acapella group in 9th Grade. We wore green bow ties. We were called the Blaker's Dozen, because our school was named Blake. Get it? Get it? God, I wish I could redo parts of my life all over again and try not be such a dipshit.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Find a boulder in your box of generic CTC? Email me any question or observation you like.

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Playoff Recipe Of The Week!
It's the playoffs. Time to get cooking. Reader Aimee demands you make candied bacon.

Candied bacon:
1 lb. bacon (not thick-sliced)
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. dry mustard (to taste)
1 tsp. cayenne pepper

Mix last 3 ingredients in a bowl. Dump about 1/2 that mixture onto a small plate. Cut bacon strips in 1/2, and press each one into sugar mixture on both sides. Shake off excess, place on cookie sheet (lined w/ foil if you're lazy like me and hate doing dishes). Bake at 425 for 12 min, turning once 1/2 way through. Watch it closely towards the end, sometimes the ones on the outside will burn a little. It'll stay good for a couple hours after you bake it, if it's not all consumed in 5 minutes like it is at my house.

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Aimee also recommends wrapping the candied bacon around kielbasa and then baking it. I suggest you follow her advice.

Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Nate Kaeding. I don't know what the hell has gotten into kickers this year, but they all SUCK. Maybe when one gets spooked, they all get spooked. Malcolm Gladwell is already drawing parallels to teenage suicides in Malaysia.

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Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

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"This week, I like the Jets getting 7.5 points on the road against the Colts. I read recently that Hermann Goering's great niece had herself sterilized to prevent passing on her great uncle's blood. But I'd still hit it."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 9-9. (1-1 playoffs). Read the link Rolf provided. It's fucking fascinating. I will totally watch that movie when it comes out.

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Great Moments In Poop History
Next week is the dreaded extra week between the conference championships and the Super Bowl, which SUCKS. So, to prevent it from sucking, and in honor of the Pro Bowl, we are going to do our first ever POOPOROO. That's right, a Jamboroo consisting entirely of Great Moments In Poop History stories. So if you have a poop story you've been trying to push out of your system for a while now, next week is the time to get it out there. Email me your story if you want to be included.

Reader Jon sends in this story I call POOPY DEAREST:

This story was regaled to me by my friend Joe (not his real name), and I guess I'll leave it up to you to decide how disturbing it is or not.

My friend Joe works at this place in Central NY called George Jr. Republic, which, to my understanding, is like a boarding school/detention center for fucked up high-school-aged dudes. It's all guys.

In one of the cabins Joe was working in, he'd find that once a day, every day, he'd walk into the bathroom to find shit smeared all over the walls, in circles. It got pretty old cleaning that up every day, so after about a week-and-a-half of that, Joe decided to take some initiative.

One of his charges in his cabin would request a cup every time he went into the bathroom. He seemed like a perfectly normal kid, much more so than Joe's other charges, so he'd give him a plastic cup. He figured it was just to get some water out of the sink in the bathroom. The kid was admittedly a little OCD, and needing to get his water form the sink and not the fountain was certainly not the weirdest thing Joe'd seen at George Junior. However, after about a week, Joe found that he'd only find shit on the walls AFTER the cup kid had been in the bathroom.

The thing about George Junior is that you have to catch the kid in the act in order to be able to discipline him, so Joe let the kid in the bathroom with the cup and waited, waited long enough for the kid to take a shit. Joe figured that if he waited ten minutes and the kid was still in there, then he must be up to no good. Confirming Joe's suspicions, he was in there longer than ten minutes.

Joe took a deep breath and opened the door.

He found the kid having sex with a cup full of shit. That's right.

Apparently this kid was raised in an extremely fucked up household: He said he fucked the shit cup because "it reminded him of his mom," and that the circles on the wall represented her boobs. Yikes.

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Jesus. I really wish I could unread that.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable – FIRED?
Jim Zorn – FIRED!
Jim Mora – FIRED!
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Chan Gailey

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Oh, you poor Bills fans. I still don't know what to say to console you. Look at this fucking train wreck:

That's Bills GM Buddy Nix with Gailey. I like the part where Nix complains that the press never calls him. Like, even the people PAID to cover the Bills don't even give a shit about them anymore. I COULDA HIRED 35 OR 40 GUYS THE FIRST WEEK! BUT THIS IS THE SHITHEAD I PICKED!

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A Brief Chat Between Myself And AJ Daulerio

Daulerio: What's your take on moose tracks?

Me: The ice cream?

Daulerio: No, when you have shit stains on the toilet. I always have this problem anytime I poop in someone else's house. But you can't pee them off.

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Me:: Ah. I always hit the beach on Jeremy's toilet. He HATES it.

Daulerio: And if they have no fuzzy brush or other device, is it your obligation to rid the bowl of moose tracks?

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Me: No. It's their fault for having a toilet with a beach the size of Waikiki.

Daulerio: Just had this experience at girlfriend's parents' house. Went in there with wet tissue and scrubbed it. But they also didn't have a lot of water in the bowl. I hate when people do that. You're supposed to have 60% of toilet full. You need the splash, or you'll get moose tracks.

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Gametime Snack Of The Week

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Fried Calamari! Oh, fried calamari. Friend. Confidante. LOVER. Are you the kind of person who eschews eating the tentacles? PUSSY. The tentacles are the best part. I could eat a garbage can full of fried calamari. AND I HAVE.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

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Jacob Best Light! Reader Dave writes in:

Here is great gametime cheap beer: JACOB BEST LIGHT

If you can believe it, PBR decided the real thing wasn't shitty enough, so they made their own generic stepchild. We came upon this stuff in college. Normally, we would go with Natty Light or the Beast; however, Jacob's Best was only $5.99/case. At that price, we would try anything. Imagine our surprise when it actually turned out to be pretty good. It soon became our "go to" party beer. We only knew of one distributor that sold it and it soon became their best selling brand. For the portlier fellow, Jacob Best also comes in a full-bodied pilsner.

P.S. Ol' Brittfar can eat a dick!.

Look at that can. Kinda looks like the Yuengling can. I MUST HAVE IT. I truly am shocked that Pabst Blue Ribbon has a generic equivalent, and that it is named Jacob. Christ, everyone and everything is named Jacob these days. If you have two of these beers, it is said that you have The Two Jakes. IN THIS TOWN I'M THE LEPER WITH THE MOST FINGERS.

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Robert Evans' Super Bowl MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who will win the Super Bowl MVP. Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

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"Baby, my favorite for the Super Bowl MVP is Peyton Manning of the Colts! My dear friend, Jeff Bridges, just won a golden Globe for his performance in Crazy Heart, and good for him! Talented? YOU BET! Reliable? Like my massage therapist! I remember seeing the script for Crazy Heart cross my desk two decades ago, only then it was called Tender Mercies 2: The Reckonin'. But then they turned it into its own movie! You don't usually see that happen in our industry, baby! Usually, it's the other way around! You take the original script, and you make it fit into the franchise! I just read an original script about the life of that Marie Curie broad that would make a DYNAMITE Spiderman 4 with a little tweaking! David Koepp is on it as we speak!

"Now, ol' Bridges and I go back. WAY back. I met him one day while visiting Bogdonavich on the set of Last Picture Show and all of us sat there drooling over this feisty young gal named Cybill Shepherd. What a piece of work this gal was. Gorgeous? YOU BET! Sassy? Like a wild stallion! So I ask Bridges what her deal is, and Bridges says to me, ‘Evans, you don't wanna go there.' And I said, ‘Like hell I don't!' So I whisk Cybill off to Budapest on the Paramount jet and get us a room at the Ritz. And things heat up quick! Clothes, off! Bubbly, popped! And just as I was about get her points off the back end, I reach down into her panties, and I find Oscar! Eight inches of rock hard statuette! THAT GIRL WAS NO GIRL AT ALL!

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"Well, this was the damnedest thing I'd ever seen. But you know what? I went with it. Not as bad as you might think!"

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans

In Bruges. YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT! Best line ever? Best line ever.

I do this all the time, where I get mad about something, and then I take it out on a phone or a chair, and my wife looks at me like I'm an idiot. Well, look lady. I have to throw SOMETHING at the wall. Better the remote than the dog, am I right?

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What's that? I shouldn't throw anything? I should handle adversity like a calm and rational person? Pfft. Fuck that.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman."

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Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Layla Kayleigh.

/stands up straight, fingercombs hair quickly

-For the gals: Whoever this guy is. He's shirtless and stuff.

Enjoy the games, everyone.