The TV Selection Today, It's the Pits

What I really need to know, like, soon, is why in Kid Icarus, you die if you go off the screen, even though ten freakin' seconds ago you had just scrolled up from there. Is that a Greek thing? Does the Eggplant Wizard douse the out-of-screen platforms in poisonous ouzo? Or was Pit merely training for his triumphant return, 22 years later, in "Super Smash Brothers Brawl," when everyone dies when they go off screen? These are great questions on which to ruminate, because buddy, there isn't a lot going on in terms of TV today, unless you're into that "Gyro 2008" tournament or whatever it's called. I mean, I like lamb meat as much as the next fellow, but this is ridiculous. But don't worry, it's only 86 more days until Game 5 of the NBA Finals.

11:50 a.m. — Euro 2008: Spain vs. Sweden. A rematch of the classic 1154 war for Gaul. [ESPN2]

2:00 p.m. — College World Series: Florida State vs. Stanford. For the CWS, the Stanford mascot is, appropriately so, made of aluminum. [ESPN]

2:30 p.m. — Euro 2008: Greece vs. Russia. One brought us Yakov Smirnoff, the other Debbie Matenopoulos. Whatever the opposite of "tie" is, I hope they suffer that fate. [ESPN2]

3:00 p.m. — U.S. Olympic Boxing Invitational. You are cordially invited to beat the festering shit out some other dudes. RSVP. [NBC]

3:00 p.m. — Movie: Wayne's World [Comedy]

3:30 p.m. — MLB: Teams depending on your zip code. And sorry, MLB.TV subscribers! Should have thought ahead! [FOX]

3:30 p.m. — WNBA: Detroit Shock at Phoenix Mercury. Are all womens basketball team mascots supposed to be named after rejected Mega Man boss names? [ABC]

4:00 p.m. — NCAA track and field championships, Des Moines, Iowa. Aside from quantum physics, this is the only college-rank entity which recognizes the metric system as something useful. [CBS]

4:00 p.m. — U.S. Open, third round. Everyone point and laugh at Niclas Fasth's second-round 86. Unimpressive. I could do that playing just half the course. [NBC]