Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

The XFL Is Remembering Guys At An Alarming Rate

Oliver Luck, XFL commissioner and a Guy in his own right.
Photo: Tony Gutierrez (AP)

The XFL Draft starts today at 10 a.m. Eastern, and it might actually be worth checking in on, because it sounds bananas. There are going to be 71 rounds! Teams get only 90 seconds between picks! It’ll be done via conference call, and if you work in an office you know those never work. This font’s italics don’t slant far enough to the right to emphasize what pure chaos this might be!

And you’re not merely going to be mainlining football players; you’re going to be mainlining Guys. Guys to Remember, from college or the NFL. More Guys than you can shake an AAF trophy at. Five groups of Guys, which is somehow an entirely different method of sorting than the five phases of Guys that will be drafted.

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How it’ll work: the league’s eight teams, in snake-draft order, will pick players in five different “phases,” or position groups. The first phase is skill positions: quarterbacks, running backs, receivers, and tight ends. This will be primo Guy territory, so if you’re not a football pervert who intends to watch all two days of this draft, phase one is probably all you’ll want to follow. Phase two is offensive linemen; phase three is defensive lineman and linebackers; phase four is defensive secondary; phase five is kickers, punters, and everyone who didn’t get drafted in first four phases (so maybe Christian Hackenberg?). The first four phases are 10 rounds each; the fifth phase will continue until rosters are full or our sun burns out, whichever comes first.

Ah, but there’s a twist. For entirely unsatisfying reasons, each XFL team has already been assigned a quarterback. Guys ahoy!

Some other Guys who will be drafted today:

QBs: Connor Cook, Zach Mettenberger, Tyree Jackson, Vincent Testaverde, Darron Thomas
RBs: Trent Richardson, Cameron Artis-Payne, Christine Michael, Jonas Gray
WRs: Sammie Coates, Ryan Broyles, Jacoby Ford
Safeties: Matt Elam, Rahim Moore
Roberto Aguayo: Roberto Aguayo

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Even the coaches are Guys. Truly, this is a Guy summit for the ages. Follow the XFL Draft today and Wednesday by going to ... I dunno, people will probably be tweeting about it or something.

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