These Amoral Lizard-People Have Reached A New Low: $25 Face Coverings That Don’t Work

Imagine surveying the world as it is today — a horrifying place, pervaded by joblessness, pestilence, and uncertainty — then having the audacity to wonder:

“How can I leverage all this suffering to enhance The Brand?”

It would take a real sick fuck to think in those terms, right?

Anyway, have you seen these cool new league-branded polyester face coverings? Boy, what a novel and health-conscious way to show your team spirit in these tempestuous times!

But wait — there’s some small print on the page:

This Face Covering is for personal use only and is not intended for a medical purpose or as a replacement for medical grade personal protective equipment. It is a fashion face covering not intended to be personal protective equipment and should not be used by healthcare professionals or used in a healthcare/clinical environment or setting. This face covering is not intended to prevent or protect from any form of illness or disease (or otherwise).

Okay, well, this product offers no more protective benefit than a hand cloth, despite a three-pack retailing for $24.99, at least 8 times the standard price per unit of a hospital-grade N95 mask. But who cares? Go, Brady! Go, Gronk! Go, Parasitic Consumerism! The NFL is awesome, and not run by jackals who hate the middle class!

Nor is the NFL alone, fortunately, in its selfless quest to sell many cosmetic goods. The NBA, NHL, and MLB have each lent their licensing to the same mask vendor as the NFL — so you’re sure to find an item you like, and you can rest easy knowing that once it arrives, it will serve no practical purpose.

To assuage any skepticism: Each league is donating its mask profits to charity — for no conceivable reason but pure benevolence!

A reader asks:

So, they’re using the donations to cover themselves against accusations of tragedy profiteering, while quietly reaping tax write-offs?

What? No way, pal. Here, in the real world, a major sports league would never resort to cynical posturing for a tax break.

In any case, if the sports-themed mask selection is not enough for you, don’t fret — look elsewhere and customize your own. It’s a great way to stand apart from the masses — all those squares, with their inexpensive, efficient masks — as if to say, “Hey, masses, look at me! I spend my money on achingly stupid things, and I am awful.”

Here’s one custom mask idea, on us, to get the creative juices flowing: