Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

This Dumb Cup Has Room For Chips And Soda, But Not For Dignity

Illustration for article titled This Dumb Cup Has Room For Chips And Soda, But Not For Dignity

Perhaps you have seen a TV commercial for a product called "Snackeez," a grotesquely large plastic beverage cup with a special dry chamber for storing your favorite garbage snacks. If you have not, here it is:

Perhaps you have thought to yourself, "Hey, you know? This product appears as though it could ease the snacking process, by enabling me to hold both my drink and my garbage snacks in the same hand, and use the other hand for shoveling gross snacks into my gross face grossly at the fucking gross Eagles game or whatever." Perhaps you are thinking that right this instant!


Please stop thinking that gross, bad thought. The Snackeez is a snacktraption beneath the dignity of humankind.

That your consumer choices say things about you is a self-evident truth that nonetheless strikes many people as somehow offensive. Nuh-uh! they wail, rending their creepy Acolyte of the Cult of Slumber robe with one hand and making menacing stabbing motions with their fucked-up weirder-than-hell egg popsicle with the other—It's all just stuff, and it doesn't mean anything! Cram it, dinguses: Your own choices contradict you! You bought those cool sneakers because you want to be cool. Yes, you did.

Your things tell a story about you. Your fancy car says that you are a wealthy person. Your jeans on a hot day say that you are a cool person. Your Affliction T-shirt says that you are a rapey creep. And: Your Snackeez snacks-and-beverage cup says that you are a sad weirdo who cannot bear to be parted from Fritos for five goddamn seconds.

Listen. Sometimes the events of life will conspire to divide you from the nearest large bowl of crunchsnacks. When you must drive a vehicle. When you must do some typing on your work computer. When you must high-five your bros over that sweet scoring play in the sports event of your preference. This is terrifying! It is the grim fate of mortals to be parted, sometimes for long minutes even, from our Funyuns. But we must bear it with concomitant determination. This temporary, ritual separation from the greasefoods prepares us for the eventual and inevitable permanent sundering from Nacho Cheese Doritos that is: death. So that we may eventually face our death with dignity and self respect, like Spock in the volcano or whatever.

Therefore, humans, do not buy a giant dumb soda cup with a separate compartment for your chips. Thank you.