Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

This Year's Kentucky Derby? Not Really A Shocker

Illustration for article titled This Years Kentucky Derby? Not Really A Shocker

Somewhere in Louisville, these owners of Noble's Promise are still in shock — ahem! — that Super Saver, manned by Calvin Borel, took the 136th Kentucky Derby on a muddy Churchill Downs track. Perhaps they need some sorrow-drainers.


So, just for good measure, the enterprising reporters of offer a primer in smuggling booze into the infield:

The clever smugglers put some real thought into it. "I had this awesome lab partner in chemistry. He taught me how to punch a pinhole in the bottom of a Coke can and let all the coke out without the can exploding. That way, the top never gets popped, see? Once everything's out, you fill it back up with bourbon. Takes forever, so you need a few days. You can't wake up Derby morning and do this. Once the can's all full, you just put a little putty over the hole, go over with with a silver sharpie, and you're good to go - twelve ounces of bourbon!" said Nate.

Jessica smuggled hers in using more natural assets. "I have this crazy oversized bra. It's a double D." She looked down at her chest. "On a good day, I'm maybe a B. I fill up plastic baggies with bourbon and use them to pad my bra. No one can tell - it's perfect! Now I've got bourbon and great tits! Once I'm inside, I just bust open a corner and take shots out of it."


The good Dr. Hunter S. Thompson warned us, after all: "Neither of us had brought any strange illegal drugs, so we would have to get by on booze. 'You should keep in mind,' I said, 'that almost everybody you talk to from now on will be drunk.'"


Well, that's a wrap — look at how time flies when you're having fun. I'm happy to report that I have talked to Tommy Craggs twice today, thus indicating he is, in fact, alive. Let that be our little secret.

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