Syndicated political columnist Charles Krauthammer decided to phone in his pre-Memorial Day column, and, in turn, wound up introducing us to the world's most insufferable get-together. He presents:
It was our much-anticipated quarterly lunch with Tim Kurkjian, baseball analyst extraordinaire, wherein George Will and I bathe in a constant flow of obscure statistics, Kurkjian oddities, and ribald anecdotes, like the one about the Red Sox beat writer who accidentally walked in on a players' prayer meeting and was greeted by the burly right fielder, newly born-again and not yet practiced in the language of Christian fellowship, bellowing "Hey! Can't you see we're having f— chapel here?"
Wait, what happened here? I started getting dizzy by time I got to "George Will and I bathe." And ribald anecdotes! Saying fuck in chapel? Saucy. Wait till these guys find out about the beer and chicken!
And then, unfortunately, we get an even greater sense of their really aggressively bad repartee:
After which, Kurkjian asked us about our daily reading habits. I confessed that during baseball season I give the front page of the morning paper about 90 seconds before going right to the box scores.
To which Will deadpanned, "Why waste the 90 seconds?"
True story. (You can look it up. It's in Kurkjian's book.)
Really? We need to fact check this story? O.K., fine.
Well, in Kurkjian's 2007 book Is This a Great Game or What? the lunch is described as biannual. That is, twice a year. That is, either Krauthammer can't remember how often he gets lunch with with these people (who could blame him?), or somehow, the worst lunch ever has been now ratcheted up to four times a year.
But who knows. Maybe having lunch with Kurkjian and George Will a few times a year can only influence Krauthammer in the right ways. Here's the kicker to his column about his love of the Nationals:
When the wizened [Davey] Johnson, asked about a recent epidemic of injuries to key players, suggested that perhaps a chicken be sacrificed, a bunch of fans promptly showed up at the park for the exorcism.
The beheading was clean; the chicken, rubber; and the results, pleasing: no major Nats injuries in a week! No entrails were read, but I'd say: The outlook is quite brilliant for the Mudville Nine this day.
Just to be sure, however, I'll check with Kurkjian.