How haters should remember Tom Brady in retirement

Yes, the first item on my list doesn’t involve Brady directly, but this moment was too good to pass up. It shattered New England’s hopes of a perfect season. It wasn’t made by some superstar wide receiver that everyone would expect to make that type of catch. It was a nobody, a random receiver, destined to take Brady’s spotlight away.

Brady had to take the entirety of the next season off to recover from what he witnessed. The injury was obviously just a ruse to avoid any public backlash for such a bold decision. Sure, maybe this wasn’t an embarrassing moment for Brady directly, but the game as a whole was pretty embarrassing in a way.

The Patriots couldn’t muster one last win to secure a championship. They put up only 14 points despite averaging 36.8 points per game during the season. Their defense had allowed 17.1 points per game all year. They did better than their season average, yet Brady couldn’t get it done! The Giants weren’t even an above-average defense in terms of points allowed. They finished 17th during the regular season in that category, allowing opponents to put up 21.9 points per game, but Brady’s Patriots finished with more than a whole touchdown fewer. That’s E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G!

If there’s one thing I know about being a quarterback, it’s that you can’t ever act childish. As soon as you start throwing out cringeworthy one-liners that a 16-year-old on Tumblr would find deep and introspective, you’ve lost. Look no further than Russell Wilson’s 2022 season. The public finally started to take note of Wilson’s goofy antics and slowly but surely, his fans and teammates started to turn on him.

Acting childish might be alright for tight ends and receivers, but quarterbacks need to be leaders. They need to put up a stoic front and never let the paparazzi catch them cracking as much as a smile when out in public. That’s why this picture of Tom Brady going down a waterslide in 2010 with T-Rex arms sits so poorly with me.

You see, I’m the fun police, and that’s a grown-ass man having so much fun on a water slide that his mouth is fully open. There’s no kid on his lap that he’s trying to have fun for. That’s all Brady. He’s not just smiling with a wide grin either. He is in full-blown excitement mode to the point where he can’t control his facial muscles. If he can’t control himself on such a mediocre-looking children’s attraction, it’s a miracle he was able to control himself at all during pivotal moments in games.

Would Joe Montana ever be caught dead looking like this on a water slide? I don’t think so. He’d be stone-faced, never letting an emotion slip into his expression. That’s my GOAT.

As I said, I’m a professional hater, so I’m not going to count any of the games after Brady left the Patriots. That’s just unfair. However, whenever Brady was hurt or suspended, Belichick still won games. That says a lot about Brady’s value to the Patriots’ franchise, don’t you think?

What? You mean to tell me nearly every quarterback could have had success with a roster that was just one year removed from going 16-0? I don’t want to hear it! You mean to say that even though they went 11-5, they still missed the playoffs for the first time since 2002? I don’t care. All that matters is the regular season record, and Belichick went 11-5 in 2008 and 3-1 in 2016 with Brady on the sidelines.

Yes, Brady won a Super Bowl without Belichick, but Brady also experienced the worst season of his career (record-wise) without Belichick...at 45 years old. Meanwhile, Belichick managed to reach the playoffs with a rookie quarterback. Can’t argue with those numbers Brady fans!

Despite the immense success Brady experienced, he was an underdog. Everyone knows the story of how he was drafted in the sixth round, was worried he wouldn’t get drafted, and carried that disrespect with him for the next two decades. There was no way that his improbable success story would ever be upstaged, right?

Well, in the final year of his career, Brady wasn’t just beaten, but decimated by someone drafted even later than him. San Francisco 49ers’ quarterback Brock Purdy was the final pick of the 2022 NFL draft. Nobody expected him to do much. He was given the title of Mr. Irrelevant after all.

Purdy proved to be anything but. Purdy’s first career start came against Brady. The final? 35-7 — the third-biggest loss of Brady’s career. The only losses by larger deficits came at the hands of proven, veteran quarterbacks Drew Brees and Drew Bledsoe. But to suffer such an embarrassing defeat, during a playoff run, to a third-string quarterback...that has to burn, right?

Before Brady announced his retirement only to come back 40 days later, and then retire again, another quarterback retired on three separate occasions. That QB was Brett Favre. It became exhausting and several NFL fans lost respect for Favre throughout these retirement debacles.

When Brady announced his retirement, most people assumed he’d be too proud to pull back. Why would he risk such a connection? He’d already done enough to warrant being called the greatest quarterback of all time. There was nothing and no one he needed to win for. Well, color me stupid because less than two months after announcing his retirement, Brady pulled an Uno reverse card on the world and crawled back to the Buccaneers.

We all knew it. But for years Brady had held tight, insisting that the “Tuck Rule” play from the 2001 AFC Divisional round matchup against the Oakland Raiders, was called correctly. Two decades later, Brady finally let the truth slip.

Even worse, Brady made this shocking announcement by stitching a TikTok with Justin Bieber. How despicable.

Professional athletes get clothing endorsements all the time. That’s normal. That’s whatever, but with an athlete as high-profile as Tom Brady, who had mostly steered away from offering public endorsements at the same rate as other superstar quarterbacks, any endorsement is sure to draw a ton of eyes. When Tom Brady landed a deal with Under Armour, the company saw a massive rise in sales. It was a risky venture for Brady, but it paid enormous dividends in the end.

What other clothing brands could possibly earn Brady’s seal of approval? How about slipper boots?

Brady loves UGGs to the point where the internet wouldn’t let him forget it any time his team faced a deficit in a meaningful game, and rightfully so. No self-respecting quarterback would ever be caught dead wearing something so silly. Even in retirement, Joe Montana became a spokesperson for Skechers, a more respectable footwear company. Do UGG light up in the dark? Didn’t think so. Montana 1-Brady 0.

The greatest image in the history of mankind isn’t the Mona Lisa or even the V-J Day kiss in Times Square. It’s Tom Brady’s combine photo.

This is what peak human performance looks like. This is the body of the man who would set the standard for athletic excellence in the 21st century. This is what Skip Bayless wanted to look like when he posted that shirtless picture to Instagram two years back. Brady wasn’t the chiseled Greek Adonis that he is now. He was a man of humble beginnings and even more humbling photos in his underwear.

Just a reminder, kids. If you ever think you’re ugly, you’re not. You’re just not rich enough to be beautiful. Brady taught me that, and I think that’s a valuable lesson we can all take away from his combine photo.

In the video above, the anchor remarks “The second kiss shared by father and son prompted tweets from viewers using words like ‘very disturbing’ and ‘uncomfortably long.’”

Then there’s also this...

The less said, the better. Now to douse my eyes with bleach...

Nick Foles has a career record of 29-29, but he’s 1-0 against Tom Brady in the Super Bowl and that’s all that matters! The Philadelphia Eagles were supposed to keel over and die in 2017 following the devastating injury to starting quarterback Carson Wentz. Wentz was an MVP candidate throughout most of the year and without him under center, the Eagles weren’t supposed to be Super Bowl contenders. Throughout their run to the Big Game, they were underdogs in every game they played. That didn’t stop them though.

Foles, a man who has never started more than 12 games in a season, and has journeyed from Philly to Kansas City back to Philly on to Jacksonville, Chicago, and finally Indianapolis, got the best of Brady. Foles threw for 373 yards and three touchdowns in that game. He also caught a touchdown during a play that would become known as the “Philly Special.” Meanwhile, when Brady tried to play receiver in that game, he let the ball slip right through his hands.

Foles was just toying with his food. Brady never stood a chance. Brady threw for 505 yards, and still lost by a touchdown and a two-point conversion. Brady could have thrown for 700 yards, and somehow Foles would’ve managed to pull out the victory, because that’s what elite quarterbacks do. Clearly, Brady is not and never was elite. That’s just science.