Image: MMAJunkie (YouTube)

“So i was gunna train today but i ripped my nutsack in half,” begins a Homeric Facebook post by UFC featherweight Bryce Mitchell. This is the “A screaming comes across the sky” of our time.

So, how exactly did Mitchell sashimi his pouch? Picture a volleyball getting stuck in the axle of a car. Picture an immersion blender inflicting itself upon two hard boiled eggs. Picture a circus clown ceaselessly twisting the same balloon animal. Picture a cotton candy machine working in reverse. Picture a plastic straw being twisted from both ends until a small, burstable pocket of air forms in the middle.

Mitchell is 10-0 in his pro MMA career against humans, and 0-1 against power tools:

so i was gunna train today but i ripped my nutsack in half. im bout to get stitched up. i was holdn a board over my head with a drill n my pants. i was sizin up the board n the drill went off n tangled my nuts up n it. i dropped the board and reversed the drill and untangled my nutsack but they was ripped n half. im serious too lol. i obviously cant post a pic. but wen my nuts r seald back up ima come train again. i think a high kick would re rip them haha. and if i hear any shitty puns bout how this whole this is nutty or screwed up i aint talked to u for bout a month. if ure gunna drop a pun to make fun of me atleast put sum thot into lol

This is a perfect post. The horrifying play-by-play of the drill-driven nut unzipping is balanced with a certain vagary that enlivens the tale with a sense of morbid curiosity. Which is to say, I’m amazed my man carved up his nuts like a Thanksgiving turkey.

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I have some questions about the logistics, though. Where exactly was the drill “n [his] pants”? Was it hanging on a loop of sorts, right there to be jostled sackward? Was it stuck straight in the waistband, with the drill bit resting gently upon his testicles? How many revolutions did the drill make before the twisting was stopped? How did his dick survive the carnage? I reached out to Mitchell, and I’ll update this post if he elaborates on what went wrong (when, again, he unfurled his own balls with a haywire drill).

Update, 6:14 p.m. ET: Oh God.