Unfortunate Babies Poised For Lifetime Of Regret

I'm quite certain that, should he win on Nov. 4, the first order of business in the new Barack Obama administration will be to end the practice of parents naming their children after sports stars. Sadly it's too late for little Cole and Chase Ryan, born just prior to Monday's Great Rain Delay and named after Phillies' players Cole Hamels and Chase Utley. It's a heartwarming story, until you realize that the Phils could still lose this thing, setting up these poor kids for a childhood of recess beatings and lunch money theft. The twin boys were born Monday morning at Abington Memorial Hospital in Horsham, Pa., to Chris and Renee Ryan, whom we're all glad were not big fans of So Taguchi.

The proud parents, quite obviously, are Phillies fans — season ticket holders, to be exact. So with the Phillies on the verge of becoming world champions, thanks in no small part to the talents of pitcher Hamels and second baseman Utley, naming their boys after the two all stars is understandable.

Um, it is? One thing that mom and dad failed to realize when hatching their little plan: What if Utley and Hamels are traded? Every glance at their children from here on out will remind them of the Cardinals and Brewers. Now if the parents had any guts at all they would have named the twins Hamel and Utley; that would have ruled. Click to view Newborn Horsham Twins Named After Phillies’ Hamels, Utley [The Intelligencer]