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Usain Bolt Crashes BMW Into Guard Rail, Jamaica Responds With Shitstorm Of Disapproval

Usain Bolt is "the most naturally gifted athlete the world has ever seen," according to Usain Bolt. But while the Jamaican sprinter has certainly been blessed by the gods of speed and victory, it seems he missed the lottery for skills typically associated with mere mortals. Like humility, for starters. And driving.

In 2009, the sprinter crashed—nay, flipped—his BMW into a ditch off a highway in Jamaica. Luckily he survived with only a few scratches on the balls of his feet. This time he's caught some flak for crashing yet another BMW into a guard rail after leaving a popular party in Jamaica's capital, Kingston. After the police ruled out alcohol, they're still not sure what could have caused the accident. Bolt doesn't know what happened either. Reports say he issued a sketchy statement to the police after the accident and has offered no further explanation. Bolt was unharmed.


But enough about the world's fastest man, what about the guard rail? Try not to overreact, but it didn't fare as well. Sources say that the rail suffered multiple damages including a rather sizable dent and two unbolted supports in the face of Mr. Bolt's beamer. Needless to say, the Jamaican people are outraged. You can't just bowl over a public guard rail and get away with it. Justice, they say, must be served, and it seems that the police are prepared to do what is necessary:

[Jamaica's top traffic officer] Radcliff Lewis said if investigations proved Bolt was liable for prosecution, they would not hesitate.

"Not because he is a world celebrity are we going to compromise our position, but we have discretion and if it is to be applied it will be, so we need for him to come so that we can have dialogue."


But the officer's words couldn't quell the shitstorm. In fact, things got so serious that The Jamaica Gleaner's goofy columnist had to publish a mock-outraged take on the the controversy, entitled, I kid you not, "Has Bolt Gone Off The Rails?":

Bolt's crash sparked discussion on his driving abilities. One suggestion is that his 'handlers' should insist he either hire a driver or park his sports cars and get an SUV to move about in. (That term 'handlers' is a strange one, isn't it? It rather makes Bolt seem like a Fabergé egg that might well fall and break if not held properly).

Clearly these suggestions are made out of genuine concern for the fellow. But why stop there, then? How can Bolt, after all, be allowed to live in a house made of concrete and steel? These things often collapse during an earthquake, you know. Our best bet is to have him confined to an underground bunker somewhere at Up Park Camp and be allowed to leave only when it's time for training or for performing to the amusement of his fans. When he is being transported to these engagements, he should be forced to wear a helmet and he simply must be delivered via helicopter. It's harder to get into a fender bender in a helicopter.


Bolt is said to be facing a mere $5,000 fine for "driving a vehicle without due care," which is next to nothing for a man who can now afford two BMWs plus damages. Besides, we're talking about a guy who has already written his victory speech for the London Olympics. You can't touch this guy.

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