Find someone who loves you like Vince Young loves The Cheesecake Factory

There’s a new leader in the clubhouse for athletes who blew a ridiculous amount of money in the worst ways. Vince Young, everybody’s favorite Longhorn quarterback, made more than $35 million in his seven-year career. And he spent a lot of it at The Cheesecake Factory.

Per a Sportscasting story, Young averaged about $5,000 per week at Old Chicago for snobs, and even went as far as to drop $15,000 in one sitting. Now, having never been to a Cheesecake Factory myself, that feels like a lot of… cheesecake? It’s a high-end chain, not some Michelin-star outlet with a top 100 wine cellar.

Upon further review though, you can amass a large bill rather quickly.

If you order one of everything from the small plates and snacks, and appetizers sections (separate but redundant), the tab before tip is $497.85. My plan was to go through the entire menu and order one of everything to see what the grand total would be, but holy smokes does TCF have a ton of nonsense on their menu. Seriously, how are there more items in two sections of a menu than on the entire McDonald’s drive-thru board?

According to another article, Young had a lot of family and friends on scholarship, including an uncle as his business manager who shockingly scammed a fair share off the top. He bought relatives cars and his mom a house, and eventually filed for bankruptcy. I guess it’s really easy to burn through millions when you’re in a fugue state brought on by one too many orders of Chicken Bellagio and tamale cakes.

However, like Young ordering dessert, he’s not finished.

Perhaps more egregious than dropping $15K on a parade of frozen novelties heated up to the liking of Young’s party was the time he bought out an entire Southwest flight for privacy. Sportscasting did the math, estimating a low-end price to buy out a 140-seat flight would be around $14,000 at the minimum and upward of $30,000 depending on the group rate he got.

Jesus, would someone get this guy a travel agent. I could charter a private jet for a birthday trip to Miami for me and seven buddies right now for around $24,000.

It’s evident that Young had a hard time with fame and wealth, and now his disappointing pro career makes a lot more sense. I wouldn’t advise spending more than $5,000 at the Cheesecake Factory over an entire adult life yet alone every week. While my Cheesecake meter hasn’t started yet, I imagine I’d enjoy a Glamburger as much as the next red-blooded American.

But never, ever more than your boy Vince Young. Guy was carrying a couple of orders of asparagus fries in his chin by the time the league was done with him. Good lord.