If the Jaguars/Redskins game put you to sleep, you're just now recovering from your morning tailgate drunk, or need a quick catch-up on the day in the NFL for any reason, this may be something you find useful.
I'll try to keep you updated right here on most of the relevant on-field things, as well as any off-the-field human atrocities committed today. It does indeed look like they're actually going to play football, so that'll be nice, because I wasn't sure the league was still capable of it.
(Note: Sorry if I don't get to your game. Just because I don't have a lot on the Bills/Dolphins game, for example, doesn't mean nothing interesting or noteworthy has happened. It's just that I don't have a lot to add that you couldn't find in a box score. But I hope your team wins!)
(Note 2: And that's it for me. I'm checking out. All that's left is Rams/Buccaneers, and still a ton of Jets vs. Packers. Enjoy the rest of the football, everybody.)
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS:
(7:33) And it came down to the Broncos defense. Pot Roast Knighton got a paw up and deflected a pass from Alex Smith on a 4th and goal at the three. Entertaining game, and credit the Chiefs for going on the road and playing some fine football.
(7:26) Upon replay, it appears that Smith's arm was moving forward, so nevermind, then. Let's pick this back up.
(7:23) Well that was interesting for about a minute after I started watching. DeMarcus Ware clobbered Smith from his blindside, knocked the ball out, and the Broncos jumped on it. Under 2:00, with just one Chiefs timeout, that's gonna end that one.
(7:19) Big throw by Alex Smith to convert a 3rd down and keep the Chiefs alive here. That was the throw of a quarterback who is more than decent.
(7:15) I have largely ignored this game, and all the other ones, in favor of Seattle and San Diego, but it's coming down to it. I kinda thought that Denver would pull away, but Kansas City, like their uniform brethren, the Iowa State Cyclones, just won't go away.
(5:30) Denver leads 14-10 on two Peyton Manning TD passes to different tight ends, but this update is to point out that Knile Davis of the Chiefs is a really, really good running back.
SEAHAWKS @ CHARGERS:
(6:59) The Chargers defense did a whole lot of swarmin' after punting and pinning the Seahawks inside their own 20, forcing the Seahawks to go for a 4th and 11, which they did not get. Seahawks lose on the road in Week Two.
(6:50) Rivers to Gates on a huge third down will allow the Chargers to eat a little clock with a 27-21 lead. Really tight window on that throw. Not a TD, but as big a play as has existed in this game.
(6:14) Antonio Gates, third touchdown. The throw from Rivers, as you may have guessed, was a lobbed water balloon, and Gates one-handed it in tight coverage for a touchdown. The Chargers go back up by 13.
(5:54) I missed it at the time, but that first-half Percy Harvin touchdown shouldn't have counted because he stepped out of bounds. But the call was missed, and justifiable incredulity ensued.
(5:18) Philip Rivers looks great in that way that only Philip Rivers can, just lofting balls all over the field that somehow end up in a Charger's hands. Also, Antonio Gates is not dead, and has caught both Rivers TD tosses. 20-7, Chargers.
(4:32) Percy Harvin goes 51 yards to grab the lead for the Seahawks. The lesson here is that it's better when you can get 51 yards on one play, instead of 48 yards on 14 plays.
(4:24) The Chargers opened the game with a 14-play drive that netted only 48 yards, but they did get a field goal out of it. Lots of dinking, lots of dunking.
JETS @ PACKERS:
(6:54) Jets defensive lineman Muhammad Wilkerson thinks it's a good idea to punch people wearing helmets.
(6:48) That 21-3 lead has been entirely erased, and in fact, the Jets have not scored a point since establishing it. But it was nice of the Packers defense to come out flat, because it was probably good for Geno Smith's confidence.
(6:06) That Jets dominance, as Jets dominance is wont to do, has faded. Geno Smith has come back to earth a little bit, but is still 10-of-14 for over 100 yards, a TD and a pick. It's 21-16 Jets at the half.
(4:43) Guess what, everybody? Geno Smith is great now. He's 3-for-4 for 48 yards, just landed a beautiful throw in Eric Decker's lap from 40 yards out, and ran for a score, too. This is all happening in Lambeau, too, because Geno Smith is also super poised and not awed by any environment.
TEXANS VS RAIDERS:
(6:00) James Jones managed to fumble twice on one play, and here that is, if you're into Raiders schadenfreude porn. And if you are, man are you having a great Sunday.
(5:33) If there's good news, Raiders fans, it's that the last team the Texans mauled rebounded to dominate the next week. Note: It will be helpful if you play Jacksonville next week. What's that? You're on the road in New England? That should work just fine, too.
(5:02) Total yards after one quarter: Texas 111, Raiders 3.
(4:38) J.J. Watt plays tight end now, apparently, and just scored a touchdown against the Raiders. He may currently be a better offensive player than any Oakland Raider.
SAINTS @ BROWNS:
(4:07) At some point again in the future, I'm going to doubt that Brian Hoyer is any good, and I will have plenty of reason to do so, but I'll end up being wrong. Because the second half is going to come along, and he's going to put his great big Brian Hoyer balls to work and do something you don't think he has any business doing. That is how Brian Hoyer operates.
(4:06) Field goal good. Browns, improbably, win.
(4:05) A review gave them s a few extra seconds to work with, and Josh Cribbs found himself wiiiiide open, and Brian Hoyer hit him for the gain to put them easily within FG range with :06 left. WOOOOOO!
(4:01) Here's a .gif of that.
(3:51) Don't know if it was in regard to anything in particular, but Sean Payton just chewed out Rob Ryan. And all credit to Payton, because verbal disputes with Ryan family members don't always end peacefully. I hope someone's watching his back.
(3:47) This is definitely the game of games in the early set here. About 3:00 to play, the Browns still trail by the extra point, getting the ball back.
(3:28) This has settled into a quality, entertaining football game. A Mark Ingram touchdown just put the Saints back up, 24-23. I guess that botched extra point is going to really cost the Browns. I guess. I don't know. That just seems like something I'm supposed to say.
(3:07) I don't want to rain on anyone's parade or anything, but it wasn't until the second half last week that Brian Hoyer started to play. We don't want to see if he can do that again?
(3:06) JOHNNY FOOTBALL JOHNNY FOOTBALL JOHNNY FOOTBALL
(3:03) You already knew this was going to happen, but that 16-3 Browns lead is gone. Jimmy Graham has scored again, and I really wish the NFL Network had a live cam on this guy at all times.
(2:16) It's 16-3 Browns now (they boned up the extra point), on an overthrown Brees pass to Jimmy Graham, taken to the house by Tashaun Gipson. I don't know where to find one of those Browns probability wins charts, but I'm guessing it still hovers at around a 15% win probability for the Browns.
(1:56) Into the second quarter now, Drew Brees currently has 15 yards passing.
(1:22) Miles Austin still exists and caught a touchdown pass. We'll see how this "first-half Browns lead" things works out this week.
COWBOYS @ TITANS:
(4:03) The quickest game of the day has gone final, with the Cowboys on top 26-10. And that's good. Sometimes, the Cowboys are like this. But if you think last week was an aberration, and the Cowboys aren't going to have any more stupid, blowout, error-filled games, you are out of your mind.
(2:05) How many times did you hear this week that Jake Locker was likely to have a pretty good week because he was playing the Cowboys? He is currently 3-of-10 for 16 yards and a pick. No one knows a goddamn thing.
FALCONS @ BENGALS:
(3:17) I've been following this game very little, beyond knowing that Mohamed Sanu has a long touchdown and Matt Ryan was just picked off in the endzone. Here's a neat picture, though:
PATRIOTS @ VIKINGS:
(2:59) Matt Cassel has thrown his third interception, and a vocal group in the crowd is chanting for Teddy Bridgewater, because people like to shout things that make sense.
(2:47) Is Phil Loadholt the greatest athlete on the planet? Phil Loadholt might be the greatest athlete on the planet. Look:
(2:09) Say, never mind about that slow start. The Patriots now lead 17-7 behind Steven Ridley and Julian Edelman touchdowns.
The Vikings first Peterson-free drive went better than could've been expected. Seven plays, 80 yards, Matt Cassel to Matt Asiata for a 25-yard TD. The Patriots start slow again.
JAGS @ REDSKINS:
(2:52) Total yards at halftime: Redskins 308, Jaguars 87.
(2:46) Your Kirk Cousins halftime update: 14-of-17, 170 yards and a touchdown. A wonderful performance, but if you want him to replace RGIII, you might be a racist, but that's okay, because you were probably racist just for being a Redskins fan anyway.
(2:01) Here's video of the RGIII injury.
(1:49) Kirk Cousins is 5-of-5 since entering the game for the Redskins, as they've gone on a 14-0 run since he entered the game. Somewhere, Joe Theismann is jumping up and down in front of his TV, screaming, "I TOLD ALL YOU BITCHES."
(1:28) RGIII gets a free cart ride.
(1:26) And Kirk Cousins comes in and throws for a touchdown on his first throw. RGIII is still laying in the same spot.
RGIII is face down on the sidelines in a lot of pain on a non-contact injury. The lower leg area does not look good. He was scrambling to his right, about to fall out of bounds, and twisted himself back to throw the ball. Kirk Cousins is warming up. So is Joe Theismann, in the pants area.
Cam was good today. His job may be safe from Derek Anderson after all.
If this guy ever wants to lay out all the reasons why, the airplane banner industry is going to see a major up surge.
You and the other 202,038 people who tweeted that. I don't know. It feels a little weird to me. Like you're at a leukemia-stricken child's birthday party. Yeah, you're there, the cake is nice and everyone's happy and smiling and wearing a party hat, but you can't really escape the awfulness that's happening, either.
DOLPHINS @ BILLS:
(1:44) Knowshon Moreno's elbow got destroyed. I don't even know if it's factually correct to still call it an elbow.
[All photos: Getty Images]