Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled What Did Lou Holtz Text John Boehner After Obamas Inauguration?

Buried down at the bottom of this standard "Republicans in peril" MSNBC post (courtesy of reader @DSwedler) is a strange anecdote from House Speaker John Boehner about former Notre Dame coach and current ESPN in-house saliva factory Lou Holtz:

Last night, I got a three-page text from my good friend Lou Holtz, who must have watched the inaugural and then all that blabber on TV…: 'I'm done, finished, the country's over with — we're not doing this again!' Now, I had already had this conversation with Lou about nine or ten days after the election. He came in to speak to our 34 new Members. And before he went over to talk to them, he came over to my office, and he was moaning and groaning. I said, 'Lou, would you stop it? We're Americans, we'll figure this out!' And I had to spend 15 minutes giving Lou Holtz a pep talk! I had to do it again last night!


Of course, this story prompts the question: Just what was in Holtz's "three-page text" to Boehner? (And was it a standard SMS text message, or was it three scraps of wax paper with text written in metallic gold marker?)

Anyway, here's our best guess:

I tell you what Boney, I think I've had jutht about enuff of thith Barack HUTHEIN Obama and hith thocialitht policies! I'm done. FINITHED! Thith country ith over withth! We are not doing thith again!

Whatever happened to perthonal rethponthibility in thith country? When I wath a kid, my momma took me athide and said to me, "Thon, the Good Lord gave you two handth for workin' and not for whithlin'!" AND THEE WATH RIGHT! This Obama fella ithn't preaching hard work, the way I did at the Univerthity of Notre Dame! He wanth to give everyone handoutths: blacks, hithpanics, Methicans... ALL OF THEM! He'th been corrupted by the Jewth!

I'm tho deprethhed. I feel thuicidal! Even Miami's defenthive line didn't cause me this kind of strethhhh! I'm not thure there's a pep talk in the world that can take away my thadness this time, Boney! I always thay that God made the night tho that you could have a brighter day, but now I tell ya my dayth doesn't feel tho bright! I'm gonna take thyanide pills, Boney! DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF THITH!

PS - I think the Univerthity of Notre Dame COULD go undefeated nexth theathon. What a wonderful job Brian Kelly did with thothe young men. Did you hear about that Thamoan fella? Thounds like he could use thome alone time in the bathroom!

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