What In God's Name Is Tim Duncan Doing To That Whale?

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Woody Johnson says he doubts Darrelle Revis will play this year, which, you know, no one believes, but it's just something you have to say as part of the bargaining process. On the other hand, I'd like to see the Jets try to explain to their fans that they couldn't lock up their best player because they wouldn't give him a big signing bonus in an uncapped year.

• Ilya Kovalchuk is a free agent again and can negotiate with whomever he wishes. Perhaps the KHL, where anything goes, would be a good fit. Want a 17-year deal? Done. Want it paid in beluga caviar? Not a problem. Want hooker delivery service to your hotel, and dead hooker removal service from your hotel? In the KHL, that's a standard contract clause.

•Pretty sure Mariners interim manager Daren Brown holds the MLB record for triple plays per games coached. After one night, his average is at 1.000.

•Hey, Albert Haynesworth had his first full practice! Supposedly, he's learning the 3-4 just like he passed the conditioning test: slowly.

• Usain Bolt is taking the rest of the season off due to tightness in his back. That being said, his leisurely limp from his car to the doctor's office still passed the Redskins' conditioning test.

•••••

Tuesday. Get your groove on.