What's The Best Possible Animal Army In A Battle To The Death?

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Here’s a rock-dumb hypothetical the staff has been arguing about for a few hours: If you were forced to choose two groups of fighters from the following draft class of eight kinds of animals and one guy with a gun, what’s the best possible defense you can construct for yourself against the remaining seven?


Even if the rules of engagement permit you to choose your terrain, I have a hard time thinking anyone would live through an actual combat scenario. A lion could perhaps take five gorillas, but there’s still 10 whole crocodiles, a trio of bears, and an ark’s worth of other critters coming for your neck. Because of the sheer number of competitors, the megafauna fight would be a wash in any scenario. It doesn’t matter what sort of gun you’re allowed to pick—you are not gunning down 15 wolves before they eat you. Victory would require the rat army rising as one and uniting to gnaw out eyes and form a meat wall. Even then, you might still get shredded.

I see two ways you can win this game and survive.

  • Pick some hyperspecific terrain: As Barry pointed out, if you put yourself on a cliff with the pack of eagles, nothing else would be able to reach you. Your 50 eagles can hunt, and you’ll never have to leave the safety of the perch. It wouldn’t really matter what else you pick. Alternately, you could choose to live on an island and have the crocodiles and eagles guard your shit. Sure, bears can swim, as can several other animals, but they’ll be at a marked disadvantage against a croc, especially considering your aerial support.
  • Run away: Not to be pedantic, but the tweet in question states merely that “THE REST IS COMING TO KILL YOU.” Nowhere in the three lines of writing, undoubtedly written a while ago then stolen and reposted several times since, do the rules stipulate that you must draw blood. Laura suggests having the eagles fly you away, and if it worked for the hobbits at the end of the third Lord of the Rings movie, it can work for you, even with normal-sized eagles. I am definitely running away with either the lions or wolves carrying me—if it’s the wolves, we’re in the snow on a dogsled—with the 10,000 rats running interference and dying in such a way as to slow my pursuers. Could my dogs outrun the eagles? Hopefully.

So, who you got?