Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

There's a piece in this month's Philadelphia magazine about Eagles fandom, the lunacy, the sadness, the love, and, well, more lunacy of it that captivates the city all year round. One of the many amusing anecdotes in the 5,000-word story is about a woman from the Delaware Valley, baptized in Eagles green, whom told her father about her intentions to marry a boy. The father stopped her short, questioning the decision because her future husband was a Cowboys fan. Her dad said it was going to be a problem.


It's a sweet story in that treacly, Mitch Albom-type of way, but it got me thinking about how the rest of that wedding day played out: the dusty church ceremony, the VFW reception hall, the drunk father shit-talking his new son-in-law at the bar, the son-in-law pointing to his hands to show off how many rings the Cowboys have, and the father subsequently grabbing his new son-in-law's scrotum and yanking it to shreds. Once, that was a far-off, unimaginable type of occurrence, only fathomable in the context of an Eli Roth movie. Now, it's an unsettling reality, thanks to the actions of one Sooner fan named Allen Michael Beckett and his redneck rage, who did just that to an unsuspecting Texas Longhorn supporter who was just stopping by a bar for a beer.

Who hasn't had nightmares about this? I can't even fall asleep with my jeans on because I'm always afraid that I'll roll over the wrong way, get my sack tangled, and riiiiip. Thinking about it gives me that swallowed-a-rotten-oyster indigestion and forces me to run around the room, shaking my hands like they were just sprayed by pansy gas. Yaghaghahgaghaggah.


And that's why I sleep in a kimono.

What's even more disturbing is the more national attention this gets, the more the likelihood of copycat instances. Just like high school shootings, there's also the one-upsmanship factor that makes this even more terrifying to think about.


So this week, I'm putting on my pajamas, flipping through my auto de fe handbook, and placing odds on the next horrific brutality to happen between rival sports fans.

Don't come if you're squeamish: Brace yourselves for the disturbing images and methodology, after this MORE.


Pakistani Frog Stuff: 2/1

Originated at the blood-thirsty cricket matches in the Middle East, this is sometimes the only way to settle your differences in a heated battle on the pitch. Mets fans: Don't get too obnoxious during the next Subway Serie,s or you may find your David Wright jersey burned off your body and your mouth stuffed with frogs. Fifteen frogs, to be precise, because that's what the Yankee faithful insist it will take to get a moronic Mets fans to shut the fuck up.


The Sphincter Dunk: 4/1

The dreaded Sphincter Dunk is something that was developed in the by the Gazi warriors of the Ottoman empire, as a way to force their Byzantine captives to switch their allegiance. Those who didn't stop screaming from the initial torture had their youngest daughter's faces stuffed into the gaping anal cavity of the most obese general. Unlucky for her, the general had a tube of hot water blasted inside him just seconds before the horrified little girl is inserted. Although it's complicated to perform, never underestimate the tireless passion of an angry, drunk Anaheim Mighty Ducks fan.


Ethiopian Torpedo: 1/1

One minute you're celebrating a nail-biting victory by Michigan in the final seconds, the next minute some Ohio State fan has taken off most of your clothes, painted you brown, upended you and buried your head two feet underground. The hatred between these two teams is both storied and violent, so it's best to make sure you keep your Buckeye heckling to a minimum if you're outnumbered by them.


Kitten Bombing: 3/1

It'll take a true maniac or a truly passionate fan to resort to this type of depravity. The unsuspecting fan of a rival team thinks he's involved in some good-natured ribbing, but they don't realize that while one hooligan was bombarding him with insults about his girlfriend's fidelity, his buddy was stealthily placing a kitten stuffed with quartersticks on top of his head. Just 30 seconds after this photo was taken, this Manchester United fan's brain was splashed all over the sidewalk.

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