Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

When The Saints Go Golfing

It's hard to imagine that less than 12 months ago these two teams were meeting for a chance to play in the Super Bowl. Seriously, they were. I looked it up! Devin Hester (The Jester Molester) returned a 64 yard punt, Neckbeard Orton threw the ball like he was throwing back girly cocktails, and just like that the Saints are out of the p-offs. Next! Bears 33, Saints 25

Everyone keeps forgetting this game had no playoff implications whatsoever, but oh well, Browns win! Joy! Joshua Cribbs took one to the house, Jamal Lewis rushed for 128 yards and Mr. Brady Quinn made his long-awaited NFL debut. All together now, "Let's Go Colts!" (What?) Browns 20, 49ers 7

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Miami allowed 316 yards passing by Carson Palmer, gave up a touchdown on a fumble return and fell to 1-15 on the season. Welcome to Miami, Bill! Bengals 38, Dolphins 25

THREADJACK. The Houston Texans are no longer a losing football franchise. /THREADJACK. Andre Davis' two TD returns came on consecutive kickoffs, which made him the first player this season to accomplish the feat in the same game. Odds are he'll be the last, too. Texans 42, Jaguars 28

Excuse me while I Apple+C something Suss wrote last week: "It's that time of year again when the Eagles are out of the playoffs, Donovan McNabb plays well and people lay off the 'maybe someone else should quarterback mantra.'" There. That was easy. Eagles 17, Bills 9

Favre extended his consecutive starts streak to 253 games, threw three touchdowns, and then handed the ball to some guy named Craig. And he did it all in a pair of Wranglers. Packers 34, Lions 13

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Goodbye, sweet Vinny. Panthers 31, Buccaneers 23

Redman — Redman! — set a career high with four touchdown passes as the Falcons rode three fourth-quarter touchdowns to "upset" the Hawks in ATL. Said Redman post-game: "Bigger they come, harder they fall / That goes for, knuckleheads, MC's, pussy walls and all" Falcons 44, Seahawks 41

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