Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

I'm about to go vote, and I haven't read up much on the issues. I don't know which candidate loves America more or who has the bigger penis. So I asked the only objective sources I could find: computers. In case you're still on the fence, I've copied their advice below.

Siri: "The best people for the job."

Smarterchild:: "My brain is retired but watch some cool videos! Send am IM to GossipinGabby and Type VIDEO!"

Cleverbot: "I think you should vote for Obama." When I asked again, "Pizza."


ALICE: I always prefer the most qualified person. Who would that be?
me: I don't know, that's why I'm asking you
ALICE: OK you can ask me.
me: Who is the most qualified person?
ALICE: Dr. Wallace is the most famous person I know.


Vince: Sort of a weird way to start a conversation...but OK
Me: Sorry, I just need some advice.
Vince: Even stranger. How about just saying ...hello
Me: OK. Hello.
Vince: I dont understand how that relates to the conversation.
Me: Fuck you in the face.
Vince: I dont understand how that relates to the conversation.


Jabberwacky: "I don't know."


Eliza: Why do you ask?
me: Because I'm about to go vote, and I don't know who to vote for.
Eliza: Don't you really know who to vote for?
me: No, I was hoping you did.
Eliza: Oh... did?
me: Obama or Romney?
Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
me: Should I vote for Obama or Romney?
Eliza: Say, do you have any psychological problems?


Elbot: "You can be or do anything you want, just as long as you don't divide by zero."

That settles it. Off to the polls. Predator Drones 2012!

Related: The iPhone's Siri Answered Bob Costas's Questions Better Than Accused Child Rapist Jerry Sandusky Did


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