Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

2007 is turning out to be the year of the Romo. Just 10 months removed from single-handedly ruining the Cowboys playoff run, he's bounced back. Enormously. So far this year, he's ripped through a couple of nubile ladies (Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood), put up monster numbers and earned respect around the league, and in between signed a $67.4 million contract based on half a season's work. To top it off, the guy could go 15-1 this season and skate into the playoffs. Look at the rest of the Cowboys schedule: they've got Detroit, who've reverted back to vintage ineptitude, and the Carolina Panthers, who've somehow become a first-year expansion team again. The two toughest games they have left are with the Mighty Birds, who have been wildly inconsistent (or consistently mediocre) all year, and the Redskins, who even though are their most bitter rivals, now have a gaping hole in their ... strong safety.


[dodges pitchfork]

Moving on! Now, Romo's tapping Jessica Simpson, who unless is secretly moonlighting in Bolivian gang bang films, most likely still has a vagina that smells like a combination of "Very Vanilla" Little Tree car freshener and a baby's forehead. Sadly, this relationship is not going to last. Not that Romo's the second coming of Proust or anything, but regardless of how hot Simpson is, holding a conversation with her must be like talking to Gizmo : Oooh! Bright lights! Yum-Yum !


So, he's not into librarians? Not a problem. A definite deal-breaker to be a Romo Girl is just skank-out dirty. Romo doesn't want a lady with a sullied reputation, one marred by sex tape videos or a body damaged by belly-button mashing pregnancies. No, he likes his ladies clean, untarnished — we're talking PSA grade 9.5 and above. The only question left to answer is...who's next?

So this week, I'm putting on my hymen mask, readjusting my chastity belt, and placing odds on the next pretty pony to enter the Romo Corral.


Push the button.


Hayden Panettiere: 3/1

This "Heroes" star radiates wholesomeness like a giant moon, plus she's got the whole blond, deceptively pretty-thing happening that Romo seems to enjoy so much. Another thing about Hayden is that she's a strident animal rights activist and also an aspiring singer, which in Hollywood usually means she has a brain the size of a cashew. Bingo. Give the cheerleader the bologna hammer, save the world, Tony.


Ashley Tisdale: 4/1

She's crept into the public consciousness because of High School Musical and become the fantasy girl to many pre-teen/pre-homosexual boys. In reality, she's a 22-year-old with a cheery smile and a palpable prudishness, even though her character and Jewishy face may suggest otherwise. But, if you look at a quote she gave People from her latest movie shoot, it appears the gal doesn't even like to kiss on screen. "You have to do it over and over and over, and every different angle!" Fuckin' shitballs! But after her HSM sequels run out and she stops hanging around with the fresh-faced crew, don't be surprised if she needs to gulp down a hot cup of Romo in order to ease herself back into womanhood.


Hillary Duff: 1/1

When she was younger, she used to have this dinosaur-head/bird-chested appearance that seemed to indicate her early 20s were going to be beastly. Obviously, as the picture on that left indicates, that's not the case anymore. Now, she's bananas. She fits all of the qualities of a typical Romo-girl, but her interest in pussybag rockstars like that knob from Good Charlotte might knock Romo out of the race. He'll have to bring a lot more than just a quarterback pedigree and a Steely McBeam chin if he wants to get wi...wait a second. God. Romo. He's just got it all. He's like Sam Malone's brother.


Miley Cyrus: 2/1

Although society will say it's wrong, Romo has no time for your silly laws and mores. Even though the Hannah Montana star is only 15-years-old, she has all the poise and ambition of a 35-year-old woman. She's also a country gal with a voice that could make the cowboys cry. Plus, she's good at keeping secrets and quick-changing into disguises. Perfect for this type of situation. Romo and Cyrus could be the new R. Kelly and Aaliyah. (Plane crash not included.)

Share This Story

Get our newsletter