Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Houston Texans
Your 2014 record: 9-7. That record translates to 16-0 if you plug in anything better than a desk lamp at quarterback.
Your coach: Bill O’Brien. All of Bill Belichick’s charm; none of his success. The best of all worlds, really. Here is O’Brien talking about his own franchise during the premiere of Hard Knocks…
“Let’s be honest with each other. This place has no respect in the league, just so you guys are all aware of that. This organization is 96-126. Thirty games below .500. Turn your TV on; nobody talks about the Houston Texans because no one thinks [they’re] gonna win.”
Yep! That about sums it up! Thanks for boiling it down to its essence, coach. Your players will appreciate it.
Your quarterback: J.J. Watt. Wait, it’s not? Well, that’s a waste. Anyway, the Texans won themselves the Brian Hoyer Sweepstakes and are now the proud owners of a failed Browns QB who had a TD:INT ratio of 1:8 in his final four starts. Christ. Hoyer will be competing with pituitary disorder victim Ryan Mallett for the starting job. Looking forward to the day Houston trades for Jimmy Garoppolo and Matt Cassel so that all four failed Tom Brady backups can be housed under a single roof. ONE OF THEM MUST HAVE GOTTEN SOME BRADY ON HIM COME ON GUYS.
This is a tragedy. The Texans now have Watt, Vince Wilfork, and a potentially-healthy-as-long-as-no-dogs-bite-him Jadeveon Clowney on the D-line. That line is a fucking hurricane. All they need is a warm body at quarterback. Somebody. ANYBODY. That’s all! Just one guy who can complete more than one pass per game. Eli! Imagine if they had Eli on this team. My God. The Giants won TWO Super Bowls with a kickass D-line and Eli. The Texans had all offseason to find a mouthbreather like Eli to man the helm. And they couldn’t find anyone.
For the second year in a row, they will waste a year of Watt’s prime by losing somewhere between seven and nine games with no passing game of any sort. By the time these idiots finally find a quarterback, Watt will already be dead from playing 90 snaps a game. It’s a crime. Someone should be jailed.
What’s new that sucks: Did I mention that Andre Johnson is gone and Arian Foster is already hurt? Picture a black hole in outer space. Now picture that black hole getting sucked into an even greater black hole. That is the Texans offense. This will be a painful season. Just one goddamn struggle after another. I’d rather watch a man in a wheelchair try to put together an Ikea dinette set.
What has always sucked: I’ve said far too many nice things already about Watt, who is quickly growing into the most annoying player in football. We’re close, people. We’re THIS close to Watt throwing down a #BlueLivesMatter hashtag. J.J. Watt is the living wet dream of every commenter at ProFootballTalk. When our supremely fucked-up football culture looks at itself in the mirror, Watt is what it sees: a big humorless white dolt who presents himself as his own private branch of the U.S. military, who supposedly eats, sleeps, and breathes FOOTBAW and goes off into the forest every offseason to train for the sport like a real life version of the first hour of Batman Begins. Listening to hot takers praise Watt makes me want to blow up the sun…
Christ. It’s like these people believe you can achieve true moral superiority purely through the power of box jumps. Add Watt to the GOP Presidential field and he’d be the only man who could overtake Donald Trump.
Here’s the deal: J.J. Watt is a limp John Cena impersonator whose muscle cabin is a fucking fraud, and who will almost certainly accuse Clowney of being lazy at some point this season just to make himself look good.
I don’t really think J.J. Watt gives a shit about winning football games. I think he LIKES the fact that the Texans are so woebegone on offense because it makes him look like the only one working hard enough to keep a moribund football team afloat. One day, Watt will retire and star in low-grade Chuck Norris action films and spout vaguely racist platitudes about MERICA and you will regret ever having enjoyed watching him play football. It’s a lock. Also, he knows damn well what “bae” means…
What a load. I’ve never seen someone try so hard to make old people happy. Raging against selfies makes you an asshole, not a hero. If Roger Goodell were a football player, he would be J.J. Watt. Fuck J.J. Watt.
And fuck Houston! Houston is our largest unlivable city. It’s a fly-ridden goo swamp populated by obese wannabe cowboys who are constantly digging into a tin of Skoal. It has everything bad about a tropic-zone city with none of the good: palm trees with no beaches, skimpy clothing without attractive people, etc. There are no zoning laws. You can build a titty bar inside an elementary school. Every rich person there is a despicable oil whore. Rodeo Cookoff History is a required high school course. It’s a horrible place.
Here now is one co-worker’s Houston story:
“So once I was in Houston on MLK day. And a friend of a friend from Houston said we should go to Popeyes for ‘He Be We Be’ day. I say what the hell is ‘He Be We Be’ day. He goes: ‘He be dead, we be off’. I don’t know that guy but he grew up in Houston.”
Sounds like Houston to me! Sounds like the PERFECT town for J.J. Watt. Houston can eat shit.
Also: Jadeveon Clowney is just never gonna play. He’s the defensive equivalent of Sam Bradford.
What might not suck: For real, this is a fabulous Randy Savage impersonation.
Hear it from Texans fans!
The Texans’ jersey neckline is so wide and red that it looks like each player is slowly bleeding out after having their throat slashed.
Coincidentally, gurgling on blood is how I feel after watching this team plod its way to mediocrity for 13 years.
One of the two best players we ever had just left for the division rival that’s kicked our ass for our entire existence.
Fuck Rick Smith for not getting us a legitimate starting NFLQB.
This team won’t win the AFC South again for the next decade.
I have been to one NFL game in my life, a Texans game in which Houston needed two defensive pass interference calls in the red zone in the last minute of play to beat the Jaguars. After the thrilling victory David Carr (!) came over and stood in front of the section my friend and I were in (we had really good seats, about 4 rows up) and started celebrating and giving high fives to fans. Everyone was going nuts, celebrating like we had all just witnessed a Super Bowl victory. My friend and I were absolutely going crazy, cheering and generally feeling real joy.
When I got home, still pumped from the game and the interaction with Carr, I couldn’t wait to tell my girlfriend about the game. After I spill my story about the amazing time we had, she immediately says “Wait, aren’t the Jags like the worst team in the entire league? And the Texans barely won cause of penalties? You’re this excited about that?”
It was this exact moment that I realized the Texans are at the head of the Kiddie Table in the NFL. Not much has changed in the past decade.
Can’t wait for JJ Watt to get busted with a truckload of PEDs this season.
Get ready for the most boring Hard Knocks ever.
The offseason acquisition that really excited a lot of Texans fans wasn’t a player, or even a coach. It was a writer. Seriously.
When the Houston Chronicle hired Aaron Wilson, the former @RavensInsider, Texans fans REJOICED. It meant we would hopefully hear less from John “Pancakes” McClain, the Bud Adams fan who would still rather be covering the Oilers and constantly tries to draw “Luv Ya Blue” Texans correlations in his stories.
Seriously. We got overly excited about a WRITER.
Bill O’Brien now has the highest winning percentage in franchise history because he managed to go 2 games over .500 in his only season here.
Have you ever cheered for a team whose most exciting phase of the game is defense? It’s fucking terrible. The offense is so bad that most of the fans at the game use it as a bathroom break, which means they still miss much of the defense since the offense consistently goes 3 and out after whichever backup level QB happens to be trying to throw footballs that day.
Now the moronic Houston fans think this year we’ll make it back to the playoffs, even though we traded for Brian Hoyer and shipped Andre Johnson off to our division rival who was already going to have the division locked down for the next decade anyway. Can’t wait to watch Andre score a game winning TD in Houston this season! Which will be about as many TD’s as he was able to score here when he played for the fucking team.
Fuck the Colts, fuck Luck, and fuck Bud Adams with his diamond encrusted casket.
We’re on Hard Knocks yipee! I’m so glad the tv cameras can finally focus on Bill O’Brien who has the sour personality and spirit of week old rye bread.
Our fans are a combination of a) rich oil and gas people bringing their customized cushions to sit on their seat licensed prime tickets howling at the field drunk on craft beer or b) wildcatters who saved up to customize their Texas-sized barbeque pit into Texans shapes yet drive a putty spackled pick-up truck and stumble into the top row drunk c) casual Tango Blast members with their families.
We epitomize Houston and I hate us for it. A new team with no history or glory but we imagine ourselves as so much bigger and better than we truly are. We will continue to kiss that playoff bubble and send any good player to our rivals or former coaches.
JJ Watt is a Buddha for Bros.
The best or second-best QB we have ever had was an undrafted free-agent and recently just on the Rams’ practice squad.
Oh, yeah: Everyone here in Houston believes that J.J. Watt will somehow play all 22 positions for 60 minutes each game, thereby mitigating our everlasting shitty QB situation and the distraction caused by Coach O’Brien’s permanent chin rectum.
Our vegan running back thinks he’s Voltaire because his below average IQ is two standard deviations above anyone else in the locker room.
Former punter Brett Hartmann is suing NRG Stadium for its shitty turf. The 2017 Super Bowl will feature Dr. James Andrews trying to fix 38 knees before the second half.
Last year we entered the season with a shitty Fitzpatrick and an unproven Mallett at QB. This year we’ve upgraded to a shitty Hoyer and a fragile Mallett. I literally came in my pants at the thought of old ass Peyton signing for a year.
1. Only 2 of our 9 draft picks from 2013 are still with the team. We just recently cut our 2nd round draft pick D.J. Swearinger after an off season where he managed to let his dog bite JD Clowney.
2. You have to pay for the right to tailgate with your friends, all for the convenient price of ten dollars per person.
3. Our play by play radio broadcaster has coined the phrase “ROCK N’ ROLL…. TOUCHDOWN!” , which makes no sense what’s so ever. I am not sure he came up with that one while auditioning for a Cleveland Radio job.
4. Speaking of the radio team, most teams has a savvy veteran who does color commentary. The Texans have Andre Ware.
5. Our history is pretty much a joke. The NFL Draft has had a recent tradition of getting past players to announce the 2nd round picks during the NFL draft. Bills bring out Jim Kelly. Bears bring out Dick Butkus, even the Jaguars bring out Greg Jones. The Houston Texans roster is so filled with mediocrity and nobodies that it seems impossible to find someone to fulfill this role. This year, it was Eric Brown, and as a lifelong Texan fan, I had no idea who this person is.
David Carr to Matt Schaub to Ryan Fitzpatrick to which ever loser “wins” the QB battle this year. Tony Banks. Sage Rosenfels. Ryan Mallett. T.J. Yates. Case Keenum. Tom Savage. That’s why the Houston Texans suck, continue to suck, and will always suck.
Oh, yeah, and they have Andre Johnson, one of the greatest receivers in NFL history, and Bill O’Brien instead throws the damn football to J.J. Watt. And the idiot Texans fans jump on Johnson for being ungrateful and greedy for no longer wanting to be part of the team.
Then there’s J.J. Watt, the ultimate media whore who finds a way to get his face in front of a camera where ever there might actually be cameras who thinks he can tell players on other team that it’s a team game and they shouldn’t be glorifying themselves.
So yeah, the Texans suck, the Texans have always sucked, and the Texans will always suck.
Years ago on a trip to Austin I met and spent some quality time with an adorable girl who I still think of today. Except all I can ever think of is how she loved David Carr because he kept his wedding ring on during games and how great she thought that was.
Here were the teams the Texans beat during the recent 2013 season to show “improvement” at 9-7:
Also bear in mind that the Texans got the benefit of playing Tennessee & Jacksonville twice.
In addition, we just lost our best WR to a division rival who we will play twice (and probably get beaten by). We still don’t know who will lead at QB. We had 13 years to find a QB and Schaub is so far the best QB we have ever had. We drafted Tom Savage last year for QB just so Rick Smith can say, “Look, it’s a QB “, but now we went out and brought in Brian Hoyer for next season? No wonder Andre Johnson wanted out.
The team name is still fucking stupid.
This year our QB will either be a guy Belichick didn’t want or a guy the Browns didn’t want.
Every second JJ Watt spends on this team is a waste of everyone’s time.
Forcing JJ Watt to play with the rest of the Texans roster is like taking a filet mignon, soaking it in Bud Light Lime, microwaving it for an hour, and then feeding it to pigeons.
Many of our fans still think we should have drafted Johnny Manziel.
Watching the Texans try to string together successive drives is like watching toddlers coloring with boxing gloves on.
Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: The San Francisco 49ers.