Let’s get out there and NOT get fisted, guys.

What might not suck: Well, the mascot isn’t afraid to go there with the Ebola jokes. Also, Pierce and rookie TJ Yeldon can’t be any worse than Toby Gerhart was last season. I say that knowing full well that Alabama running backs are the Oregon quarterbacks of running backs.


Hear it from Jags fans!


Our quarterback is JUST NOW learning how to throw, which is good ‘cause I’ve seen hibachi chefs more accurate than he was last season.



Jags fans are the absolute worst. Some of them honestly believe that they are the best fans in the NFL because they formed a local support group (I’m taking about you, Bold City Brigade!), where you can sign up and get a free hat, t-shirt, or bumper sticker AND have the chance to tailgate in a shitty dirt lot with some fat locals and chug fireball while cussing out the fans of opposing teams. Sign me up!!! And guess what else? These tailgates include the right to talk to other fat pathetic fans who will tell you that it’s still a rebuilding year so don’t expect too much winning, you just gotta “trust the process” of the new(ish) head coach and GM. And fuck YOU and your patience if you’re not willing to sit through every home game and cheer for a team that can’t score more than 2 touchdowns per game. You’re just not a true fan like these guys. I’m not sure whether this is unique to this market, I couldn’t give a shit about breaking down the previous week’s defensive scheme while I’m trying to get loose before the game. These clowns live for that stuff. Fuck that.

The inferiority complex of Jags fans is mind-boggling. I can understand frustration over the constant rumors from a couple years ago about the team moving to LA or London, but the new owner had pretty much shut all that noise down with his renovations to the stadium last year and plans for a new practice facility (this team still has training camp in a goddamn parking lot next to the stadium). But holy shit, let any 12 year old with a Twitter account make a relocation joke about the Jags (or any joke about the team for that matter) and Jags fans spring into action in defense of their precious franchise. Within minutes, they’ll have anyone talking shit about the Jags reported to Twitter because god forbid anyone makes fun of a team that’s won a combined 14 games over the past 4 years. I’m talking about dudes in their 20’s and 30’s acting like fucking babies because of anonymous twitter trolls. It’s so fucking pathetic. The local bloggers are the absolute worst when it comes to this. One of them, I shit you not, actually admitted to searching Twitter to find people clowning the Jags. He would then proceed to retweet the joke and let his super cool followers berate the person who originally tweeted it. Classy! What’s worse than a Jags relocation joke you might ask? Definitely a Tebow joke, but oh man, don’t even try to sling an attendance joke at these dudes! You’ll be promptly reminded that the Jaguars are currently 27th in attendance, in front of 5 whole teams, so THERE! Gotcha bitch! These people are the worst.



I was part of an event last year where local Duval County students were given the opportunity to see the Jaguars host the Miami Dolphins last year. Half of the students picked at our school to attend had other obligations, and the other half taunted stunned Dolphins fans after the Jags lost by two touchdowns. You can not pay me to attend a pro football game now.



The best thing about the Jaguars the last 15 years has been the mascot, Jaxson de Ville... and he just retired. Yes, our biggest offseason loss was our mascot.



This is the team that took Blaine Gabbert one pick ahead of JJ Watt. Oh and the most-talented receiver we’ve had in a decade (Justin Blackmon) has zero desire to seek his reinstatement to the league.

We traded up two straight years to acquire both those picks.


Bortles is on his 2nd offense in as many years. They did that to Gabbert, too.


When I tell people I’m a Jags fan, they kind of cringe their face in an apologetic way, as if I told them I have stage 2 lung cancer. Understand I currently live in Michigan, so that means Lions fans feel sorry for me for rooting for the Jags.



I’m from (and still live in) southern California; a place where every single person who hears I’m a Jags-fan responds with a resounding: “Why?”

I start out telling them about how when I was in high school, I saw MJD and Marcedes Lewis play against each other at the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim of Disneyland Stadium for the CIF championship. I pour over rushing and receiving stats of two greats of the game, talking up the archetypal battle of discipline vs. talent, nurture vs. nature. I make sure to frame the dynamic between how a small, all-male academy of military-grade work ethic (De La Salle) perfectly juxtaposed an inner-city melting pot that annually churns out NFL-caliber superstars (Long Beach Poly). I talk about their family lives and personal struggles growing up in rough neighborhoods which lead them to find something special in football, and eventually, themselves. I talk about how that game instilled hope in me and helped me realize that football is truly the greatest athletic sport on earth.

This goes on until I see a familiar look in my audience’s face when I realize that I’ve been talking about high school football for fifteen minutes and Snoop Dogg for another five and I have no fucking idea why I still follow this team.

PS - When I read about Fowler’s injury, I calmly and subtly nodded in agreement with the universe and whispered, “That’s right.” What is dead may never die.



I went to Gillette Stadium for the Jags-Pats playoff game back in ‘07 (ah, the glory days...) and the guy next to me sees me walking into the row at the start of the game, gets that “you just told me your dad died” look in his eyes and says, “Wow. I’m real sorry”. Before a fucking playoff game! Seriously, just dump a beer on my head like a normal fucking person.

Also, the most passionate our fanbase got about anything this entire offseason was when the guy who plays the fucking mascot decided to retire.



Being a fan of the Jaguars means always having to explain yourself, even when they are your geographical home team. It doesn’t matter that the team had an awesome run in their first few years, including one of the greatest upsets of all time against the Broncos, or that we ended Dan Marino’s career the same way the Lannisters ended Ned Stark’s- we are a joke going on eight years. There is a lot to be excited about right now, but nobody else believes it because LOL OUR OLD GM TOOK A PUNTER ONCE.

Fuck the ‘99 Titans, JJ Watt, Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, and Blaine Gabbert. DUUUUUVAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL



Don’t worry, they won’t be moving across the pond anytime soon, but that’s more likely due to London wanting nothing to do with this pathetic franchise that makes putting points on the board look more difficult than open heart surgery.

I’d be worried about other fans seeing this post and using their vast internet power to whine and complain, but I’m sure they’ve already reported the why the Jaguars suck post as spam due to the fanbases wild case of small man’s disease. Their blogs are notorious for searching the team name on game day, insulting any bit of negative info about them, and then blocking that person immediately. Seriously, this fanbase claims they embrace being small, but in reality they embrace pretending nobody knows anything about them.



There is more camo gear at a Jaguars game than there is in Iraq. Everbank Stadium is a redneck military base.



No one signs with the Jags to actually win football games. And if you look up at the mostly-empty stadium to see the few fans chilling in the pool watching the RedZone channel, why would you feel differently?



The fans love their college teams, but hate people who graduated from college.


How is it that the Jags are always the first team eliminated from playoff contention, but they never have the first overall draft pick?



The Jaguars own possibly the worst draft ever in 2008. Because we were “one pass rusher away from a Super Bowl”, we traded away the 26th pick, two third rounders and a 4th to move up and take Derrick Harvey from Florida 8th overall. He had no more than 4 sacks in the two seasons he played before he was benched. We have been in rebuild mode ever since this draft. Just for a little extra kick in the teeth, the Ravens were able to use the picks we gave them to acquire their franchise QB, who has actually won a Super Bowl.

Fast forward to the 2015 draft and we are still searching for a pass rusher so logically, we go after another Florida Gator and take Dante Fowler. He goes down in the first rookie mini camp and is lost for the season.



Being a Jaguars fan is like living with herpes; you don’t want anyone to know about it and you hate yourself everyday for contracting it.


Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Oakland Raiders. Photos via Getty.