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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Why Your Team Sucks: Dallas Cowboys

Illustration for article titled Why Your Team Sucks: Dallas Cowboys

Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.


1. Their new stadium will rape your wallet multiple times over. Some of the new features of Jerry Jones' (YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!) $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium include carpeted floors (whee!), the world's biggest LCD screen (fer watchin' all dem big plays!), and a retractable roof. Oh yeah, there's also the $60 pizzas, and the $35, standing room only Party Passes the team is selling to an estimated 35,000 people PER FUCKING GAME. In other words, any time you attend a Dallas Cowboys game this year, nearly one third of the people in the stadium will be trying to take your fucking seat. Keep in mind that the city of Arlington approved $325 million in bonds to help in the construction of this thing. The new Cowboys Stadium is the football equivalent of the new Yankees Stadium: a painfully expensive, unnecessary luxury stadium that replaced a perfectly useful old home, partially paid for by taxpayers with the sole purpose of extracting more money from fans, perhaps at the expense of the home team's on-field success.

2. If I have to hear Berman say "How bout them Cowboys?" one more god damn time… Seriously, Jimmy Johnson. FUCK YOU. Just because you won the NFC title against the 49ers back in 1993 didn't give you license to coin a phrase that would stay in the football lexicon forever and ever, well past the point of tolerance. Not only does Berman use this phrase every week, but he does that thing he also does whenever he talks about the Raiders where he adopts a bizarre kind of baby talk voice. So it sounds kind of like, "Heh bet dem Caaaabayyyys?" I fucking hate this. I wish Berman were anally raped with a curling iron.

3. I'm an American, and I did not ask for this team. Speaking of annoying terms associated with the Dallas Cowboys, the phrase "America's Team" was coined by NFL Films VP Bob Ryan in 1979 because he needed a catchy title for the team's 1978 highlight film. That's the reason this team has been forced down America's throats now for the better part of three decades. Some asshole decided, "Hey, everyone loves the Cowboys!" then the media followed suit, then a bunch of fair-weather asshole fans adopted the team as their own. As a result, the Cowboys belong to the dreaded Yankees/Lakers/Cowboys axis of sports douchebaggery. If you root for two of those three teams, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND SOCIETY WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF YOU WERE STRANGLED AND LEFT FOR DEAD IN A RAVINE. There's a reason every time a Cowboys fan calls into a radio station, they must always add the prefix "longtime" to "Cowboy fan" while declaring their affiliation. It's because no one believes them.

4. They won't even have a chance to choke away a playoff spot this year. While the rest of the division improved, the Cowboys were fit to stand pat with Wade Phillips (he of the 0-4 playoff record) as head coach. They also did virtually nothing to their roster, with the mild exception of adding LB Keith Brooking. In short, this is the exact same team as the one that shat the bed last year. Only thinner at wideout.

5. Always remember: Michael Irvin once stabbed a guy in the fucking neck with scissors. I can't stress that point strongly enough. There are so many reasons to loathe the Cowboys. They get more media attention than they merit. They attract numerous, annoying douchebag fans. They're from Texas. That one guy from Slate likes them, even though he doesn't actually like them. Goddamn Drew fucking Pearson fucking lucky prick. But above all, Michael Irvin is an attempted fucking murderer. Fuck that guy, fuck the Cowboys, and fuck Dallas in the chaps.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.